Lost

No, I am not talking about the well-known American TV series...

It's just how I've been feeling the last couple of months. In less than a year, I will be done with the PhD. (Finally...) My boss has been telling me that I need to start sending applications and writing to prospective employers.

I started writing to an ex-boss, friends and contacts for advice on what jobs I could possibly apply for if I don't want to continue in research (at least not basic research) anymore. Some responded to my 'call for help' quickly and I was happy to hear from them. With the advice of an ex-boss, I worked on improving my CV. I've filled out a few applications, without too much hope of any reply. These were for positions for which I have no direct experience and with stiff competition, I doubt they would even look at my application. I've signed up and posted my CV on various job search engines. Though I am receiving emails about various job openings in Singapore, nothing has really caught my eye.

There's a serious lack of enthusiasm on my part, which feels like the norm now, in my research (even when my boss told me he's happy with my recent results, I could barely conjure up feelings of excitement and happiness) and life in general. Oftentimes, feelings of complete uselessness, inadequacy and insecurity of 'what-next?' overwhelm.

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for everything in my life; my family, the amazing, supportive friends God has graciously sent me, the beautiful summer weather in Italy, the lovely beaches around here with clear turquoise waters, my new room, my supervisor, the second chance I got to complete this PhD, the good results of my experiments, etc etc... But somehow I feel like a buoy left adrift on its own in the open seas.

Before, with a partner, even though there were quite a few problems to face at work and in the relationship itself, he was my strong, steadfast anchor, a reference point for me (even if I've never told him this before or maybe even never realised this myself). Even if everything else went wrong, I could go home and I know he's there. I guess it's also because we came to this foreign city together, so, being in this city feels strange and dismal without him in my life anymore. It's the first time in my life I've lived with a partner, it felt like being married, and now it feels like I've had a divorce.

Some people call this freedom; there's no one to go home to (no one to cook dinner for), no one to account to, I can do whatever I want without thinking of another person. But why do I feel so morose and melancholic? This new freedom adds to my feelings of emptiness. Is this just because I am a person who cannot be on my own and have to be dependent on someone else all the time?? I dread to think this is the reason. (Or to admit it to myself because that sounds like a weak person. Though I've always known I'm not one who needs a lot of alone time.) Maybe this is just me getting used to being on my own again, maybe I'm afraid I'd be on my own for the rest of my life (because I am such a difficult & complicated person), maybe I miss the feeling of being needed by someone else, the sense of belonging, of purpose that comes with being in a stable relationship.

These dejected feelings have been such constant companions in the last months that I have become rather accustomed to having them around. And in that way, around friends, I've also become versed in switching to happy, smiley Ping with a snap of my fingers and pushing these feelings as far into the shadowy depths as possible. But once I am alone, they resurface and take their place once again. A part of me dread being alone with these cheerless feelings and thoughts and would rather be with friends where I can switch them off for a bit, but a part of me thinks I should face these feelings and thoughts and somehow deal with them by thinking them through?? These 2 sides of me play push-pull each time a friend asks me if I want to hang out.

I don't know how much good I'll do myself if I try to think things through. Usually, the more I think, the more it feels like I'm digging a never-ending pit (in which I will finally bury myself)... Hmmm... In order to avoid the morbid ending, I think I will try not to think too much (right, already too much 'thinking' in this sentence!) and live my days a day at a time (this sounds like I have an incurable disease... haha).
Aha, maybe this is just a midlife crisis that will hopefully pass soon if I close my eyes hard enough before opening them again (like a child hoping for something bad to disappear :D). Or maybe some shopping therapy will do the job too! :p