Home. Family. Friends. Eat.

(Photo adapted from Matt Bites: http://mattbites.com/2010/10/24/10-things-to-do-in-singapore/)

I'm coming home!! :) And I can't wait! Actually, I can barely believe that in 4 days, I'll be on a plane heading home for Chinese New Year. I haven't had Chinese New Year at home for the last 3 years, sad right, I know... But for this year, I was determined to have my CNY, so I'd booked my tickets in July 2011 when I saw there was a special offer with Lufthansa, so I got a pretty sweet deal on the flights. :)
I am sooo looking forward to spend time with my family and see some good friends again after one year. And of cos' eat, eat, eat...!! (until I explode... heehee.) Being away from Singapore for the last years has really helped foster my appreciation for our food culture at home, which, in my book, has no equals.
And relax in the smothering heat of Singapore, my well-deserved vacation since I have been working many a weekend in my new lab (not that I'd complain, I am quite happy in my new lab group but a break away from work is always welcome right? ^_^).

(Photo: Flickr)

Autumn is...
Red & orange leaves, rain, more rain, wet shoes (eww...), and good news... ^_^

For 3 weeks now, I have transferred to a new department (Neuroscience) in the same institute, into a new team, new project and it's been like having promoted from the eighteenth depth of hell into heaven! The difference is so great. I no longer have to drag myself bodily to work, have fear and dread as my (only) constant companion at work because I'm afraid of when the boss comes looking for me, of having to see his angry face, of what he will say about me, not knowing what I will do each day, what time I can finish work each day, whether I can go for a coffee with colleagues or to the toilet (because if I'm not at my desk when he looks for me, I'm in trouble) etc etc...

My new boss is nice, approachable, almost always smiling, highly intelligent (at the age of 34, he has already 10 papers (1st & 2nd authorship), and is a team leader) but not arrogant (he asks me what I think when he gives me his opinion on my project!). I know I can go to his office to ask him questions anytime and he's there, or at least most of the time. We have a yahoo calendar where everyone in the team shares his/her experiment plans/holidays. He doesn't micro-manage me. My team-mates are all very nice too, they ask me to go for coffee together, or if I want to take lunch together. I can go on and on... :)

I actually feel like a real person now, not some stupid machine that sits around and waits for commands.

I have my very own project now, and I work again with animals (mice) which I realised I've missed, having had worked only with cells and bacteria the last 9 months before. I am happy with my work, so that I don't mind so much that I have to work harder in the remaining 2 years that I have which includes working full (9-hour) days on some weekends when I have experiments (for example, this weekend I'll have to work. I'm very thankful that I've had this chance to change my life. And that I've had friends who've pushed me towards this decision (because before the transfer I've had often doubts as to whether I should really request for this transfer). And for the prayers for me from those who knew about my situation before, I am grateful. And thank God for answering the prayers.

My Italian experience is hence improved somewhat. Ok, time to get back to work. :)

The last day

of freedom.
Part of my brain seems to want me to bolt at the thought of this. I've been asked to take almost the whole month of August off, to think things through (I am sure the boss is very happy to get me off his hands). Before this, I'd sent an email of resignation to the boss of my boss, hoping he would then try to help me, but when he simply said, 'Ok, if this is your choice then I cannot do anything', I got suddenly worried. Do I really want to quit? What do I do then? So I told him that I wasn't really sure, that the email was a spur of the moment, maybe a mistake.
God knows it's been a tough time before, not only for me but also for the person who lives in the same house as me. I feel bad about that, I never meant to bring other people down in my stress and unhappiness.
And now I think, can I overcome the problems I had before with the difficult boss? I can do better, I've tried telling myself. But can I do it? Can I handle it when the road is hard and no one believes in you? I wish I could convince myself that I can do my best and finish this. But strange as it is, I think as I get older, the less sure I am of myself, and the less I am able to push pass all the doubts I have (and other people have of me) and try to prove myself to the people who do not believe I can make it, especially the ones close to my heart.
Of course, the easiest way out is always in the back of my head, I can just quit and head home. Home is always there for me, and for that I am eternally grateful. I know my family would have me back without hesitation, without questions, without accusations. That's what a family is about and I am glad I have that.
On this last day, I wish I could do some of the things I love most, eat the food I love, go for dragonboat training, my favourite gym classes, see my family and friends. For all these things that I cannot do now I will keep them in my heart and mind and maybe that will be my energy to go on! The energy that will keep me alive and to finish what I have set out to do until I can go home again, to go home not feeling like I have run away from difficulties in life but that I have overcome a hurdle and learnt something from it.
As I write, I begin to feel like I shouldn't feel saddened that no one (even the person with whom I share my life with now) believes in me but that I can put my mind to accomplish my goal, with determination. And to be continually seeking to improve myself.

I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.
- Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

It's been a good summer month of doing some things I enjoy (even if I was a little sad I didn't get to make use of this time to travel); cooking, baking, seeing my friends and relaxing. But now it's time I get back to reality.

A subconscious, inner cry for help...

I woke up this morning with a terrible ache in my jaw, like someone has tied my upper and lower jaw together and was incessantly pulling on them. I didn't understand why I felt like this at first. As my brain started to gear up, I realised I must have been grinding my teeth while I sleep again. I don't know if I've always done this, I've never noticed it before arriving in Italy. The main suspect for the trigger is most probably stress. I know I tend to clench my jaw during the day when I am stressed. I am not sure I've ever felt as stressed as I have been here. In Germany I was stressed out with the workload in school and with merely trying to keep up with my brilliant classmates but somehow I never felt this bad.
My work here in the institute has been gradually and slowly improving. I was actually looking forward this week to continuing with my LCMS (liquid chromatography mass spectrometry) training with the analytical chemist who's been really nice to me and teaching me a lot. But I think with emotional tension, I don't handle myself or it very well. I wish I could get rid of it somehow. Sigh.
I count off my fingers one by one the stuff that has been bothering me. My homesickness have started to get better. So I guess the only thing left is that I don't process relationship problems well. Living under the same roof is tough, very tough. So much so that I wonder how other people do it. Most likely, I'm not made to be in one. As clear as if I was looking into a magical crystal ball that foresees the future, I see me destroying myself or the other person with the problems I create by being me, a complicated person.
Then when I feel troubled or sad, I also start to feel homesick, which makes me feel worse, and this becomes a viscous cycle (as I feel worse, I feel even more homesick and so that goes on...) As I think about how I won't feel like this when I'm home (like duh...), that makes me wish I was at home instead of here and then I am even more homesick... Ok, you get the idea. I want the comfort of home, of family, friends with whom I could talk and laugh with.
Yesterday, I was looking through the photos on my camera, thinking to myself that I should load them onto the computer and post some. In the last 2 weeks I was experimenting with some new recipes I came across (my sort of therapy) and was quite satisfied with the results. Also yesterday I did a nice hike with some friends up into the hills to visit an old abandoned fort which made a nice conclusion to the weekend. I think tonight or sometime later this week, I will sit down and make sure I write a happier post next with the photos. And not think about the unpleasant stuff. Right now, I just have to hope the very unpleasant ache in my jaw will be released and I can actually smile and laugh again. (It hurts quite a bit when I laugh.) I also have to get to the dentist. Maybe today if I can manage it, I'll go to the emergency room and ask if I can see a dentist today. I have a dentist appointment in July but I am not sure I should wait that long, else I'll break all my teeth at night! :(

A fight to the end!

At least once a day I feel like kicking myself for choosing to come here for my PhD. After my less-than-satisfactory decision for my Master project, I'd made my decision hoping it would be a good one or at least a better one. But oh no, I merely continued in the string of bad decisions, some of the worst I could make in my student life.

Often in my mind's eye, I think about back on Germany, where things work, where life is simple and peaceful. And with the early summer heat here now, I close my eyes and imagine I am back home, where things also work and although not the small-town peaceful life, I have my family, friends and everything I love.

I try my best to think positive and try not to keep wishing I was someplace else (or kick myself for having made the worst decision ever - and that I've been forewarned before by several people). But it's so hard. It's so hard to be in such an unmotivating environment for science, simply sitting around waiting for something to happen, just like in waiting for Godot. A waste of time. Time that could be spent doing useful stuff for my PhD... Nothing. Day after day. It's almost 6 months now since I've been here. And yesterday I received my 'permesso di sorgiorno' (a card to show that I am legal here, for a year) after almost 4 months of running around governmental offices getting the paperwork done and then of course waiting for it. And guess what? It's supposed to be valid for a year, but I see the last day of validity on it is 31/12/2011. That means that after 6 months, I have to repeat the whole process of applying for this thing again, and paying the 100+ euros for it. But listen to this, my other foreign friends tell me I am considered lucky that I even got the card BEFORE it expired. There were people who actually had to wait so long for this stupid thing that when they received it, it was already expired and they had to start the process all over again immediately. hahahahaha... what a big joke isn't it? I am really surprised this country is still up and standing!

But I have to bite tight on my teeth (a literal translation from the chinese, 咬紧牙关 - which actually I do literally now too, so Steffen has told me since I arrived in this country. Hence I have a dentist appointment next month to check my poor teeth and get some teeth guard thingy for when I sleep) and get through with this. I am almost one-sixths through it. I shouldn't give up now!!! I looked through the bible for some encouragement and hope. And this particular verse caught my attention:
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

And of course one of my favourite verses:
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

And I hope and pray that things can only get better when you're in some of life's low valleys. Also hope that life's treating you better!

想家

Some days homesickness hit like a physical blow to the heart, a pain in the stomach and feels only too real, indiscernible from an illness. It's not depression, or a mental or emotional problem, it consists of regular waves of feelings of missing my family, friends, comfort food which I so pine for sometimes and the organisation and efficiency of my country. And it's not that I do not appreciate the chance that I have of living abroad for a time which some may envy me for, but as the grass always seem greener on the other side, now and then, I find myself yearning for things I do not have at the moment. I remember a dream I had a while ago where I got to go home for the weekend. 'What an incredible luxury!' I remember thinking to myself in the dream! And when I woke up, inevitably, I wished I had a time/space machine to port myself home, just for the weekend.

I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of my feelings of homesickness and I don't think I ever want to do that. I love the country I come from, even with all her peculiarities (and in this period of elections; the politics) and definitely do not want to stay away for too long. Being away from Singapore makes me appreciate all the more what I have at home (you know, I am actually in a third-world country now...), my identity, culture, language and people.

The next three years here in this place will undoubtedly be the hardest I ever have to deal with, so I pray for all the strength and determination I could muster to complete this and look forward to the day I get to step back on home soil for good!

Mardi c'est jour de crêpes!

The chef presenting his crêpes!

Yesterday, a French friend here at the institute, Jean Christophe, made crepes for us in celebration of his handing in of his PhD thesis a couple of weeks ago. It was expectedly super delicious! :D I had one the traditional way; with sugar and lemon juice, one with nutella, which goes without saying, and another with a mix of mixed berry marmalade, a few drops of cherry syrup and nutella. hee. *Sugar overload* But sooo good... ^_^

And plans have been made right after that we'll make galettes (savoury crêpes) on Sat! Yay!!! So good to have a group of French friends here! *happy* :) Sometimes I think it's funny that I am in Italy but mostly hanging out with the French (or at least French-speakers). Even though I can't say much in French (anymore, sadly) and I don't understand everything but I am grateful for the chance to hear one of my favourite foreign language regularly again, at least for now, till they're gone. :( Most times I listen quietly as they chatter, letting the sounds flow over my head; sometimes taking in some words, sometimes zoning out, absorbed into the melody.

I'm so looking forward to Sat already! And hopefully that'll get me through this mid-week hump. For now, I have to get back to reality, to my experiment.