Colours of feelings

A mental picture popped into my head some minutes ago: the almost-impossible-to-dissociate, conflicting emotions and thoughts in my heart, gut and mind a churning swirl of the colours of rainbow; an abandoned pile of fishing lines replete with knots that would prove futile to try to disentangle. An apt representation of how I feel often these days.

With the passing of another year that brings me deeper into the 30s, I can't help but think back on the various big decisions I've made in my life so far. If I had chosen another path during some of those crossroads, things would have turned out much different (better?), wouldn't they? There's that little tinge of regret for the decisions, that on hindsight, I could have done better. Even though I know regret's useless and while, on the one hand, it makes me feel miserable for things I cannot change, on the other hand, I tell myself, should I have other chances to face similar decisions in the future, I hope I would have learnt from these regrets and do better. (The key hope here is that I might have other chances.)

As I witness everyone (some friends my age, others younger) around me go on to next stages in life; careers, marriage, kids, I feel like I've been running around in circles (or worse, on the spot). What have I done in the last years that I can stand up proud and say, 'I did _____ (- fill in the blank), and it was worth it!' The piece of paper (which I have not yet received - credits to Italian efficiency!) that enables me to select, in useless forms (such as flight bookings), the title of 'Dr'???? For this, I had put off and discarded other things that might have made me happier. This (worthless and for now, imagined) piece of paper that I had hoped would bring me somewhere closer to a job I would actually enjoy or raise my career prospects, doesn't even get me a job (full stop). I sent out as many applications as I could manage in the last months. Where in the beginning, I opened my inbox every morning with hope and positivity, with each rejection and no-reply, that is replaced with trepidation and dread with each 'ping' of incoming mail.

I realise I sound spoilt and whiny even as I am typing out these words and I am sorry for this. I know I have plenty to be thankful for; my health, family (even if I am far away from them), friends, a temporary job (which I don't like and pays peanuts, but still, enables me to pay for a roof over my head and basic necessities). And I am, grateful, for all that I have. I really shouldn't be complaining, there are so many people in this world who have to deal with much more severe problems in life, survive with less and do not whinge as I am doing now.

I am just hoping that writing these negative feelings (of severe disappointment with myself, envy of others and in general, sadness) out will help me deal with them (so please excuse me and look the other way while I go on for a little more with this selfish ranting).

Someone very very dear to my heart just moved away last week and I still have difficulty registering the fact that he is not in the same city anymore and that we won't be seeing each other anymore other than possibly rare visits once in a blue moon. Thinking about that brings me close to tears. I will always remember the day I sent him off at the train station, standing on the platform looking at him in the train, trying as hard as I can not to dissolve into a crying mess and then staring after the train as it left the station till I cannot see it anymore. With my head completely blank, I walked home like a zombie, though still conscious enough to swallow the tears in order to avoid weird looks from passersby. My mind remained blank for the next days as I went about my usual routine. I imagine that was my brain trying to soften the blow? I don't talk about it, try not to think about it and succeed most times, but some nights, alone in my room, the thoughts rush, unbidden, into my mind and sometimes I let the tears wash out. I've never been any good with goodbyes.