Almost the end

It's almost the end of one of the longest, most arduous and trying journeys of my life.

I had started writing my thesis up many months ago hoping that I wouldn't run into last minute stress and the rush of trying to finish up. But as luck would have it, my boss wasn't so cooperative (he actually said to me once a few months ago, 'Don't work on your thesis, I want the results!').
I finished up one of my usual 3-week long experiment towards the third week of January on the day I was scheduled to fly out home for a summit and a short break, completely exhausted.

The Global Young Scientist summit back home (modelled after the Lindau Nobel Laureate Meetings in Germany), filled with Nobel Laureate speakers, was an eye-opener. It's amazing how each and everyone of them, at the ripe old age of 70-ish and counting, are still so enthusiastic for science and research, it was almost infectious! Besides getting to speak to some of these great people in science, I also made my acquaintance with many young researchers from all over the world. It appears that most scientists are not as socially awkward as some people outside of science might think (of us as)! :) Most people came on their own and groups were quickly formed over mealtimes and coffee breaks.

I learnt in the first days of the summit that invitations for this summit has been sent to various (well-known) scientific institutions and universities all over the world and participants were nominated and selected by their departments in the institutions or universities. Not surprisingly, I was the only one from an institute in Italy. There were 10 overseas Singaporean participants and during a networking session we had with the Contact Singapore branch of the EDB, everyone's first question for me was 'Why Italy???'. 'Good question!' was my reply... haha...

Maybe this was the worst decision of my life. Oft, it feels like a nightmare I can't wait to wake up from. Other times, I thank God for the amazing friends I've made here. Some things (dreams and a precious relationship) that have been dear to me have been destroyed, some things built (friendships, character - I would like to assume that I have learnt something from my mistakes and the testing times).

Back to the short week of holiday I had at home after the conference, it was so good to be able to see my extended family after 2 years. Everyone's growing up so fast - the ones close to my age married or getting married and the younger ones getting all tall and so different from how I remember them 2 years ago! (it makes me feel incredibly ancient)!
With the little time I had I couldn't see everyone I wanted to, btut I managed to meet up with a good friend from my uni days (Zan!) whom I've not seen for years and it was sooooo good to catch up with her and talk to someone in almost the same situation (she has just finished her PhD and looking for a job).

It was hard getting on the plane to come back here from home. I knew my reality back here was filled with useless excel work (manual result analysis), stress of writing up the thesis and other problems in life and work. Actually I had to already start with that shit (excel and the thesis writing) in my 9-hour transit in Paris CDG airport.

Maybe I will come to make better decisions in my next steps of life (I sure hope so).

Lately, my days roller-coaster between getting by, bad and downright depressing. Some days I wish I could hide in a closet and just cry my heart (and the stress and bad feelings) out. But my pride keeps me from collapsing, from showing that I am weak. Other days I try to look for company, in a bid to chase away the feelings of loneliness.

Some days I hate myself for being me, other days I try to console myself with thoughts like: 'Maybe I am not so bad, I can still learn and improve.'

Today, after working on my thesis through the whole night last night, I decided to take a break and write here (all those jumbled-up feelings and thoughts) instead.