What next?

Whenever I am not working or occupied with some sort of physical or mental activity, this big question mark lurking in the back of my mind come forth and haunt my thoughts.

'I don't know', is my answer for now whenever someone asks me that question I dread to hear.

I really have no idea. It feels like I am fishing in the dark and I am throwing my line out there blindly with the few applications (research or otherwise) that I've sent out so far. That feeling of rejection is slowly becoming habitual so much so that I don't feel much disappointed anymore.

On top of the feeling of being completely lost, there's a turmoil of other feelings churning beneath the surface. A whirlpool of sentimental anticipatory sadness knowing that I will miss the good friends I've made here and that I would have to start over again somewhere else, versus the conflicting emotions that accompany thoughts of looking forward to moving to a new place or back home and starting over. My experience here in Italy can be described as a complete palate of the basic tastes of life; bitter, sweet, sour, salty, umami and pungency. I would not rate it bad, but as very intense, and one of the most difficult life journeys I've made so far, so many times I've almost given up. I am thankful to have made it through to the end, and for all the friends that God has given me here without whom I would not have reached the finish line here.

The discordant feelings I have about this part of my life makes me also undecided whether I like this city/country or not.
These days, the bulk of the time, I either feel lost, confused or lonely. It is not just about what job I could do after, it is also where I should go (to stay in Europe, go somewhere else or go home??). A part of me would like to go home, back to where my family is, and try to salvage the few friendships I might still have back home. The other part of me is worried that I might not be able to settle back home after so many years away (and that I have no more friends back home) and that maybe the way life back home works is not so much for me?

I don't know what's best... And this uncertainty and feelings of groping around in the dark regarding the future grow exponentially as I count down to the days I have left in Genova. I can't help but think, 'I am too old to be feeling like like, aren't I?'

I would like to look forward with confidence and say that I will cross the bridge when I come to it (船到橋頭自然直, 車到山前必有路). But unfortunately, for now, it seems difficult to have that faith. I will try to think positive and be grateful that I had this time to learn and grow (I hope this has built my character in some way and made me a better person) and that when the time comes to leave, I will be able to leave all the pain behind and bring with me only the good things.