Tired

of everything in life,
of the failures,
of doing nothing,
of waiting for nothing.

I have been back in Singapore since June, then elated to be home. Now, months of doing nothing much important has slowly evolved into feelings of uselessness, helplessness at the Italian bureaucratic red tape that results in seemingly infinite waiting, along with the spoiled b*rstard in the family making life at home difficult as usual with his mere presence, is pushing me into the deep, dark well of negativity. I know the problems that I have encountered are nothing compared to those of people out there struggling just to survive. But I am going out of my mind just sitting around, the goal I had before slowly being thrown out the window, the forseeable future unknown and unsure.

'How did I come to be in this position?'
'What am I doing still trying to be a student at my ripe, old age?'
'How did I manage to make a bad decision time after time after time?'
Questions running through my head that I will not have answers to.

I wish I could do useful things with my time, like go to work so I could look forward to the next holiday, or even just the weekend, for example. Having an extended holiday, not having to work is great, but I am not one to be able to sit on my bum for long. Even though I told myself that when I am back in Singapore, I will exercise and do all the things that I've missed. But I have become so unmotivated and lazy. I can't drag my ass to go to the gym and the few times I do, I could only feel sad at how weak and unfit I have become. And then going to the gym only feels depressing. I tried to do my favourite sports but I do not belong to a team anymore and as it is a teamsport, I just couldn't be as enthusiastic about it as I was.

I tried my hand at baking, something that usually is like a form of therapy to me (as retail therapy is for some). And out of 3 times I have maybe succeeded once. I am so tired of failing, in all areas of my life. It sounds like being a hermit would suit me best. So tired. I wish I could close my eyes and never wake up again.