A sleepless night

As sleep eluded me tonight, I decided to put down on writing, as much as I can, various feelings and thoughts that have been caged inside. That's what my blog is for, isn't it? Thing is, I am an amazing sleeper; I can always sleep, anywhere, anytime. I am lucky that sleepless nights are rare happenings for me.

The first 2 weeks of September, my mum and sis visited me. And I spent almost of the 2 weeks with them, other than 2 days when I had to go back to the lab for my experiments. I treasured every moment of those days. Except for a few occasions when I wasn't being the best big sister to my little sis. I wish I had been nicer and reached out to her more... She was a little moody at times and even as I wondered she would tell me why, I didn't know how to speak to her and ask.

After 2 weeks of having them around, the house feels terribly empty after they left. I remember the night before their departure, I laid in bed, unable to sleep again, silently crying just thinking that I won't see them for real for the next year at least. (Skype's just not the same, isn't it?) When I hugged them before they got on the shuttle bus to Malpensa airport, I could just barely contain my tears. My sister also looked teary. (And she told me after that our mum was also sniffing in the bus.)
I miss them sooo much!!!

This evening, I behaved badly towards him in front of my friends at a BBQ. 5 minutes after I've stopped talking, I couldn't understand why I behaved like an idiot. ha...

I guess this whole year of our relationship being on the rocks is slowly but surely tearing me apart. I don't think I can balance anymore on this precarious mess of what we have left. There were times when I've been really really sad just thinking of how things between us have become, and the fact that it should come to an end. But recently I've been just feeling numb. He hates his job and has been repeatedly saying that he'll leave soon, find a job somewhere else (not to me in particular but to his friends who visited, his ex-girlfriend who called yesterday to tell him that she still loves him & misses him). In the beginning, hearing this hurt like a bad papercut, a lingering pain in the heart. But I think he really does need to leave. He's not happy here. Not with the city, the people here, his job, his life in general. All my international friends complain about Italy. But his constant references as to how everything is better in Germany has started to get to me I think (this was the unimportant, senseless, stupid comment I mention below).

Now, it's like I've started up a wall around myself again. Nothing really hurts anymore. But tonight, somehow, I've lost control of my mind and mouth for all of 10 minutes. I still cannot explain my bad behaviour some hours ago.

I know I really have to do something about all of these. Just acting like everything is ok doesn't make anything ok. Deep inside, I have started to dry up like an rotted dead tree, so numb, and then like tonight, some unimportant, senseless stupid comment fires up the dried wood inside and made me explode.

For a while now, we're like housemates who have dinner together sometimes, who speak sometimes about things in our daily routine life. It is a sad situation. And I realise that this has to stop. It's not a relationship and will go nowhere. It's not good for either of us. I need to have the resolve to really start looking for my own place and move out. I will hope and pray for the strength to do this and the endurance to finish my studies and finally go home.

For now, I'll turn off the computer, the lights and try to close my eyes and sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day, I hope. Night, people. Hope the Sandman has brought you sweet dreams.