Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Emptiness

Once every so often, I can't help but question the meaning of life, my life. Recently, there've been days when I don't feel like talking much (Believe me, this doesn't happen very often... haha), don't feel like seeing anyone or going out. A couple of close girlfriends/colleagues asked me this week if I was feeling ok (One because she said I was uncharacteristically quiet at lunch, the other because I looked so exhausted). Life in itself takes its toll, doesn't it? As much as I can, I try hard to stay upbeat and positive. But sometimes it just seems an impossible feat.

I'm in another of my 4-week experiments. This is my 3rd week. One more weekend + 1.5 more weeks to go before I get a break. I am already absolutely tired of being at work. Thankfully, my boss is a nice and kind soul, otherwise I'm not sure I can do this. For now (and probably the next 1.5 years more), my life = work, work = my life. It's quite sad really. I wish there was more to it, this thing I call my life.

The relationship is looking to be a disaster. It's been filled with nothing more than fights, tiffs, cold wars for the last months. And that we have to live in the same apartment all this time doesn't help either. I am sooooooo tired. It really amazes me how married couples do it. How do these people (Personally, I think men & women should be classified as 2 different species. Sex differences in many neuropsychiatric disorders suggest that men's & women's brains develop differently. Sorry I'm going off on work...) manage to stay together without ofttimes having the inexorable urge to leave or to strangle the other person?? I am intrigued. I am old enough to understand that all relationships require hard work. But at what point should one throw up the white flag and say, 'Ok, I surrender, it's enough.' I have tried my best to be as good as I can be. But nothing works. And I can't seem to find the energy to keep up the fight for it.

Time for a time-out. Maybe short, maybe long, I don't know, but I sure as hell need one. I need somewhere to go where I don't have to think of work, or the collapsing relationship on my hands. I haven't been sleeping well. Lately, nightmares pervade my sleeping hours and I don't feel rested in the morning like I normally do when I don't remember dreaming.

It's about time I change something. Something to break the vicious cycle: work, get home, cook, plunk in front of the computer & watch some somewhat interesting American/Japanese dramas so I can lose myself in those stories & forget my own sad existence for the time of the shows then sleep, wake up and repeat.

I've resolved to get my ass out of the lab sometime this week and go try out the gym I've been meaning to try out and hopefully, if it's a reasonably ok place, I'll get a membership and start an exercise routine again. I've also been fiddling with the idea of picking up music again (a group of good friends/colleagues play for fun together and it'll be so nice to join them), possibly the flute (I've liked the flute since my first contact with a symphonic band in secondary school). I want to make time to use my camera more (now sadly, she's most times stowed away in her bag in the cupboard), improve my photography, and capture beautiful things. Plus, am hoping to start evening Italian classes sometime in September/October.

It's good to be writing my thoughts down, as my sister so aptly puts it in one of her entries (http://dunnogang.blogspot.it/2011/06/cool-existential-poem.html - I wish I could write as well as her & a dear friend, Anantya!). I will cling to these thoughts of improvements for dear life and hope for the best. Look up and hope.
And for now, tonight, I can look forward to spending the evening with a good friend (and as I wait for her to finish her work in the lab I'm writing this) and enjoy some girly time together.

Am somewhat encouraged by the poem which I read on my sister's post (mentioned above):

A million million spermatozoa,
All of them alive:
Out of their cataclysm but one poor Noah
Dare hope to survive.
And among that billion minus one
Might have chanced to be
Shakespeare, another Newton, a new Donne
But the One was Me.


- Aldous Huxley,
Author of Brave New World
About Ping

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2 comments :

Anantya said...

Hang in there girl. I know how taxing these weeks long expts are -.- just plan a little treat for urself at the end of it.all ur potential plans sound good, it'll be refreshing to hv other things to look forward to other than lab work. Hugs!!!

P.s thanks for the compliment :$

JuzRiDe said...

U r made to b different.. Why would u wan to b with another... you?

Chiu