The last day

of freedom.
Part of my brain seems to want me to bolt at the thought of this. I've been asked to take almost the whole month of August off, to think things through (I am sure the boss is very happy to get me off his hands). Before this, I'd sent an email of resignation to the boss of my boss, hoping he would then try to help me, but when he simply said, 'Ok, if this is your choice then I cannot do anything', I got suddenly worried. Do I really want to quit? What do I do then? So I told him that I wasn't really sure, that the email was a spur of the moment, maybe a mistake.
God knows it's been a tough time before, not only for me but also for the person who lives in the same house as me. I feel bad about that, I never meant to bring other people down in my stress and unhappiness.
And now I think, can I overcome the problems I had before with the difficult boss? I can do better, I've tried telling myself. But can I do it? Can I handle it when the road is hard and no one believes in you? I wish I could convince myself that I can do my best and finish this. But strange as it is, I think as I get older, the less sure I am of myself, and the less I am able to push pass all the doubts I have (and other people have of me) and try to prove myself to the people who do not believe I can make it, especially the ones close to my heart.
Of course, the easiest way out is always in the back of my head, I can just quit and head home. Home is always there for me, and for that I am eternally grateful. I know my family would have me back without hesitation, without questions, without accusations. That's what a family is about and I am glad I have that.
On this last day, I wish I could do some of the things I love most, eat the food I love, go for dragonboat training, my favourite gym classes, see my family and friends. For all these things that I cannot do now I will keep them in my heart and mind and maybe that will be my energy to go on! The energy that will keep me alive and to finish what I have set out to do until I can go home again, to go home not feeling like I have run away from difficulties in life but that I have overcome a hurdle and learnt something from it.
As I write, I begin to feel like I shouldn't feel saddened that no one (even the person with whom I share my life with now) believes in me but that I can put my mind to accomplish my goal, with determination. And to be continually seeking to improve myself.

I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.
- Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

It's been a good summer month of doing some things I enjoy (even if I was a little sad I didn't get to make use of this time to travel); cooking, baking, seeing my friends and relaxing. But now it's time I get back to reality.