Anyone has motivation to spare?

First I should excuse myself; apologies for my whining/ranting posts today. Writing, for me is usually cathartic, that's why I write.
I can't seem to feel positive for more than an hour. I tried, believe me, I did. And failed, miserably.

I'd wanted to go for an exercise class this evening, maybe that would have helped me feel better. But because of the waiting (see aforementioned) and starting so late, it was too late to go. I came home, tried to do some exercises, finished my assigned ones and didn't feel any different. No sweat, I was not good enough, so weak compared to what I was before.

Everywhere I looked, everything I thought about just seem so hopeless.
I remember days like this before. But those were times when I had a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, a home, a family to go back to.
There's no family here but sure I have good friends here too but I'm embarrassed to just call someone up and say 'hey, I don't feel so good in my head'. I think I am at the end of this road. I want to go home, I want to see my family, talk about everyday stuff to my mum, my sis, I want to hang out with people who've known me for ages, I want hugs. :'(

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Having to work with selfish idiots drive me crazy!!!

Argh!!! I need to punch something!!!

I've come to realise that one of the PhD students (and this miserable group has only 2) in my current lab is super selfish. He doesn't want to teach you stuff, he gives excuses and tries to push it off when you ask him to show you something, is very defensive ('Why do you need to do this?' 'How come you're also doing this?' - in Mandarin of cos' since his English is so cmi!) when you ask about the techniques or animal model in his project because you also need to use it in your project.

I have been waiting the whole afternoon for him to show me perfusion in a mouse. Even though the boss had also asked him to show it to me, he had been just happily sitting at the computer, ignoring my requests (multiple times I asked him today). And I am on a time crunch because I'd planned to bring my tissue samples afterwards to the other lab (and also in general, since I have to be finished by the end of April). *sigh*

I can't help but regret that I chose to stay here. Am so unhappy. And in comparison, when I go to the other lab (where I could have been if I had made the right choice), I feel so much better. The PhD students there are much much more knowledgeable, helpful and nice.

*Haiz* I take back what I said in the earlier post. Today's not better. I can't wait for this (thesis) to be finished. :(

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The day after tomorrow

(today) is better.

I spent yesterday sleeping lots at home since I woke up with a huge headache. Lucky for me, in my first lab (the one which I know I now much prefer and hence I've been regretting my initial decision to stay in this 'Chinese' lab for my Master thesis) there's a ZV (Zivildienst - a civil service work the 18-/19-year-old boys here in Germany can choose to do if they don't want to do military service) who helped me continue with day 2 of the in-situ hybridisation experiment which I started on Mon.

Also watched a few episodes of a Jap drama 'Tokyo Dogs'. Snacked a lot. In short, I was a pig. ha.

A piece of good news arrived in the form of an email late last night. From an Italian group in Genova to which I sent my application last year. They want me to visit the lab (travel expenses and accomodation covered!) for 2 days in Feb. :) I have to give a presentation (20-25 minutes) and be prepared to be interviewed (talk to people from the lab). I am a bit worried about the talk... Am not sure I know what I want to talk about. So I've sent an email to them to ask. And let's see. Will have to work on this presentation in the next weeks.

Wish I was in the lab (other one) doing some experiments now instead of sitting here ('Chinese' lab) without anything in particular to do.

Found this the other day:

:D

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I.want.to.go.to.bed...

I'd awaken this morning just before my alarm went off, wishing it wasn't already Monday. Snug under my covers, I willed the alarm not to ring.

*sigh* Mondays are almost always terribly blue.

I've had a good weekend, though not nearly as much sleep as I would have liked.

Instead of going to a classmate's 'Pretty in Pink' houseparty, (where I'd have been, as usual, juice-in-glass, trying hard to fit in with people who're trying to get drunk), I went and played some badminton with friends (something I've always enjoyed but haven't had the chance to do since a long time) on Friday. And met some nice students from Thailand. Also got to catch up with a chinese friend I haven't seen in a while.

Sat evening, at a bible study, I was asked to translate German to English for a friend for the first time in my life! It was hard enough trying to understand it myself, imagine then having to understand fast enough to translate it at the same time. I thought I was horrible, since there are still a lot of words in German which I don't know, but I was told by the German speakers around that I did fine for someone who's only learnt German for 1 year. :) Hee... Needless to say, I was rather happy. I remember the times before when I was so frustrated with myself because I couldn't understand anything around me or express myself at all.

Was a subject in a pretty cool experiment Sun evening that involved lying in a fMRI machine getting my brain imaged while I made some gambling decisions, and walked away after one hour with 32 euros! :) Only won 2 euros (since 30 euros was the capital they gave you to begin with) but it was something looking at my brain in 3-D on the computer. Plus, the experimenters who were doing this experiment were quite friendly; one of them an Indian who'd lived in Singapore for 15 years.

My boss asked me this morning what I thought about the tandem PhD project my Professor proposed. I really liked my Prof's lab, but the lab I am stuck doing my Master thesis in now, I am not so sure. It sounded like my boss wants to have a bigger (the major) piece of the project. She also lamented that my project is progressing very slowly. I mean, hello, what can I do when the lab is still so ill-equipped?!?! Argh!

*sigh* Maybe I should just find another lab entirely. Or, just go home and find a job after this Master thingy (there's a chance I wouldn't feel like coming back end of July after I've gone home). Maybe it's a mistake, thinking of doing a PhD. I am not so excited about research. I just want to get the necessary papers in life so I can move on to something I could be more enthusiastic about. Maybe I don't need that piece of paper. Maybe I am just too tired and hence crabby. I wish I have some answers. Today's not the day to think about my (seemingly bleak) future I guess.

I want to get home and sleep this off. (Just finished day 1 of my repeat in-situ.) But there's this meeting at the house which I am supposed to attend. *sigh* Maybe, hopefully, as the saying goes, tomorrow will be a better day. I hope your day was better than mine.

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Frosty and foggy

it was, this morning... Me miss the sun...

On Monday, I promised myself I would go running at the tracks Tuesday evening after lab. Lo and behold, I did it! (Though the temptation once I got home was so strong just to 'nuah' in front of the computer, but I managed to drag my lazy arse out!) Happy happy (even if my legs are aching now)... A good start, I say. Now I just have to try to keep this up. I intend to go for an exercise class later. (Have to go!!! Cannot let myself come up with excuses!)

Yesterday's dinner was Mexican tortillas with some friends. Was great to see them again since Christmas. And the food was good, even if not exactly authentic. ^_^ We also had Mexican hot chocolate (basically hot chocolate with some cayenne pepper in it so that it has a hint of spicyness) after dinner and a bit of cake. Yummie yummie! Though that had forfeited whatever calories I had burnt from the running.

Just got some good news this afternoon from my Prof that she would like me to be her PhD student (but I have to try to apply for funding, i.e. write project proposal). Still, it's really nice to hear, that people in the lab are positive about me continuing in the lab. :) And so, she said she wouldn't write me reference letters for other places I am applying for. ha... anyway my imperial college application cannot make it liao. Too late... I haven't decided if I would want to stay here (Tübingen) for sure so I would still try to apply to other universities, just to see if I could get some interviews and some experience from it.

Seems like my latest experiment worked. Now I just have to wait for the Prof to look at the finished slides and try to repeat it. Hopefully this week or next. I am on a tight time schedule. Have to finish by end of April. Wish me luck people! Need lots of it.

(Am pleased with myself that so far I am writing regularly. As with the other short-term goals, I hope I can keep this up! Oh, by the way, how do you like the new look here?)

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Die Sonne scheint

There's something about the sun shining that makes people cheery, well, at least for me it does. :)

January, a fitting time to make some changes. And since I can't get a haircut here, I shall make do with changing the blog's outlook. And work towards some short-term goals, (the usual suspects): exercise regularly, lose some weight, work harder in the lab, send PhD applications, write regularly, read more...

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Snow white

A thick whiteness over everything; rooftops, cars, bicycles, the streets (where they didn't shovel or salt), tree branches, everything in sight. And at night, the snow, like a reflector, brightens up the normally pitch-dark walk down the little slope on my way from the lab to the bus stop.

Have you ever looked at how intricately beautiful individual snowflakes are? This winter Ms Mong and I admired them as we caught them on our gloves and the sleeves of our winter jackets, we couldn't help but be astonished. I mean, I've always known they look nice. But have never thought (well, also I have not had the fortune to experience many winters - so far my 3rd) to look at them closely before. I wish I had the ability (and equipment) to photograph them, to capture their short lifespan in a long-lasting image.



Some people abhor winter, because it's cold, and when the snow melts, it turns into yucky greyish puddles. But there's much I love about it; the snow falling from the sky, the picture of the bare tree branches against the grey skies, the feeling of buddling up in the scarf my sister lovingly knitted for me, a hat, a pair of gloves and the down feather jacket from Ms Mong before leaving the house.

I really like the changes in seasons (even if it means having to have clothes for the different times of the year), one of those things I miss when I am back home in good 'ol tropical Singapore. Speaking of home, if any one of my friends are still out there, I am coming back on 8 June, tickets already booked! Yeah, am looking forward to that! Make some dates available for me! I want to see you! ^_^

I sit now, in my first lab, waiting for the Prof to examine the fruits of my labour over the last 3 days (2 tiny slides) under the microscope. At least they have a nice big window in front of the temporary space I occupy when I am here.

I am somewhat relieved that it's Friday. Am feeling worn out, fat, and old. Sigh. I blame it on that time of the month. (Though I also feel fat any other time of the month anyway...) I wonder if I should get out tonight and see some friends, or just hide out in my room and wallow in self-pity. ha, now that second option (which I am more likely to be doing) sounds like fun eh?

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What would 2010 bring?

I can't find the right words to wrap up 2009. I guess I don't really have to. It's been a hell of a ride, ups and downs. I've not had much inspiration or time to write in the past year it seemed. I hope 2010 would be different.

Christmas was nothing short of lovely; nice people around me, a real, decorated and lighted up Christmas tree where presents are left under, Christmas lunch of a delicious turkey with a stuffing of apples (beautiful red apples, cut in halves) and lots of other yummy side dishes, Christmas cookies, grocery shopping, walks out in the snow, catching up on sleep, being a couch potato...

Then some quiet time back home (Tübingen), seeing some friends, spent half a day (would have been longer if I could have had it my way! hee) unwinding at a mineral thermal pool/sauna place in a nearby town (I've never seen so many naked bodies in my life!), more grocery shopping (!), cooking with him (home-made pizza, sushi, udon), my first home-made falafel, a small but gorgeous chocolate fondue (Yeah!) at a friend's place, and then to top it up, bringing in the new year with Sekt (German champagne) on the hill just behind where I live, watching fireworks going off all over the city (I couldn't decide which direction was best to look! So for the hour or so we were up there, I was turning my head here and there and wishing I was an owl. ha).

The first week of New Year was filled with good food because dear Ms Mong was back in town from the Rochfords! :) Was so much fun cooking and eating food I missed and watching movies togther.

The holidays were over too soon. And I miss the people I've had the fortune to spend it with.

But in a way I am glad to be getting started again on experiments in the lab, (Finally! There was so much waiting and waiting before for the stuff I need!) because I want to finish my thesis at the end of April so I can go for a holiday (in the US) then back home to recharge. :) That's my carrot at the end of the stick.

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Came across this, this morning

You Can, Because He Can

I know that You can do everything, And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You. Job 42:2 NKJV

You can ask the Lord
because He will not give you a wrong answer.
You can wait upon the Lord
because His timing is always perfect.
You can trust in the Lord
because He makes no mistakes.
You can hope in the Lord
because He holds your future.
You can rest in the Lord
because He is in control of your life.
You can lean upon the Lord
because He is completely faithful.

-- From 'Meet me in the meadow' http://roy.dayspring.com/2009/12/you-can-because-he-can.html

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