From the pit of my guts (and I'm not talking about food)

Something just never seemed quite right. And yesterday, like finding the missing pieces of a puzzle, it all clicked into place. The picture completed, the blanks filled in. I stepped back and stared at it, a little disbelievingly (that I'd been so gullible, naïve), feeling entirely stupid and hugely disgusted. Why???

The lies, deceits, betrayal. Part of human nature? I suppose. Maybe some more than others. I'd never set out to hurt someone if they've never done anything (malicious) to me. And perhaps I'd (very wrongly) assumed most people would abide by this (logical) principle.

Anyhow, it's a lesson learnt, albeit a little painful. And the good thing is, (I don't know since when), I've started to be able to remove myself from sad events (after picking up the morals of the incidents) and put them behind me.

So, yeah, it's not managed to ruin my Friday mood. ^_^ And definitely not my weekend. Am going out tomorrow with mum and her qigong class (oooh, aunties and uncles... :p) to the Botanic Gardens and a vegetable farm in Choa Chu Kang. Day out with mum! It should be good. I'm looking forward to it. :)

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I'm feeling better now, thanks!

It's been some time. There have been a few interesting things but because of everything else that's been bogging me, I find myself unable to write.

I had wanted to talk about the past weekend.

About meeting up with a girlfriend on Friday and chatting the evening away over red wine.

About how I spent all day Sat lazing at home and watching all of Season 1 of the Jap drama, Hana Yori Dango on the laptop. I like it very much!!! The girls are all very pretty. And while the guys didn't strike me as cute (read: disappointed) at first glance, they seem to grow on you after a while. ^_^ For a break, I went for a quick swim in the late afternoon.

About Sunday being domestic day. Spent it baking at friends' place. We made some Garibaldi Biscuits (otherwise known as Dead fly biscuits. What an appetising name hor? It's cos' the blackcurrents in them are chopped up before being added to the dough which make them look like squashed flies. haha.) and a nice moist Farmhouse fruit cake. I've never liked fruit cakes. (You know, the kind with dried fruits such as raisins, glaced cherries etc. in them. Not fresh ones.) They tend to be quite dry and too sweet. But this one we made changed my mind about them. It smelled beautifully of cinnamon, nutmeg and other spices in it. (I took a couple of photos of the end products. Promise to load it up here later.)

While waiting for the cake to be done in the oven, I decided my skin could do with some 'baking' too. The weather was terrific so I went to the pool. Think I only got a little bit darker. (Seems like the afternoon sun can be rather hot but not very effective for tanning.)
Back at my friends', I proceeded to cook dinner for them. Some simple Chinese homely fare. Pespiring away as I cooked, I was worried it would not taste very good. Thank God all came out ok. We finished everything except the rice. (which the angmoh husband is going to use to cook fried rice the next day. I was so surprised when he said he planned to make fried rice!!! They said they learnt it when they went to Thailand a few years ago.)

I'm so glad it's Thurs.

It's getting to me. Some days are so difficult to get through. A few friends have been lovely, offering support, comfort and words of encouragement without me asking for them. And as I looked at my MSN browser, I realised they were almost all guys (except for one babe, Anantya). Chiu waited to take lunch with me yesterday cos' he thought I could do with the company. I take my lunch at my desk everyday cos' usually by time I can leave the lab, the rest have come back from their lunch break.
It's surprising how thoughtful my guy friends are. (Need to first point out here that they're mostly long-time, close friends and none of them are the least bit interested in me in the unplatonic way.)

I know I'm not the only person unhappy with their work. Most people have similar complaints; too routine, sian, no challenge etc. Mine's like being stuck in Groundhog day. A 9-hour day's schedule (almost right down to the minute) = the exact actions (inject rats, test chambers, put rats in, push start, take rats out at the end and repeat process at least 14 times) x 5 (a week) x 4 (a month) x 12 (a year - how long I've been in this company) + all alone in experimental room + not much brain function required. That's my equation. I shit you not. The best part is, my experiments don't seem to be working. And chances of succeeding are pathetically low.

It's driving me mad. Close to tears at times. I've started looking for other pastures. Have also spoken to my supervisor about it. She's been really understanding and is keen to find ways we can get around this so I don't have to quit. There's some hope yet.

I got to run now. Thanks for listening to me.

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Joyless, joyless

:'(

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La fille gourmande

Eat, eat, eat and eat! That was what last weekend was about.

Courtesy of my supervisor, Claire R, we had a very yummy North Indian dinner at Clarke Quay last Friday. (I was absolutely stuffed!!!) (Will upload photos when I get them from people who took them. It'll take some time, but I'll get there, promise. hee.) I stayed for a few drinks with them before leaving to meet a friend for a late-night coffee. Some of the more happening girls from work went ahead to St James. I dunno why (maybe feeling *ermm... mumbles* old) I 've not felt up to dancing in a loud, crowded and smoky place for some time. (Actually I've never really faniced clubbing, until my 2 close mates came along. And since they're not here anymore, maybe that's why I've stopped going.) These days, I'd much have some quiet drinks and relax in the company of close friends.

Because girly shopping was cancelled on Sat, I stayed home and caught up on sleep instead. (Boy, it was nice doing nothing the whole day!) A friend took me out to dinner at a Japanese restaurant along Mohammed Sultan Road. (Once again, stuffed cos' he was hungry and over-ordered.) Had an after-dinner drink at some bar off Robertson Quay before we headed home. Due to the lychee martini intoxication, I overslept on the NEL and only got off at Kovan. There was no more train back to Serangoon so I decided to walk the 1 station back where I could then take a bus home. (only 1 stop mah, shouldn't be too long. Or so I thought...) Ended up walking the whole way home, cos' it was nice and cool. (I also reckoned the walking could help ease the guilt of eating so much.) Took me a little less than an hour. Plugged into my music, slight breeze in the face, I strolled along easily. Was somehow reminded of our recent trek. Compared to that, no walking will ever be tough. ^_^

Only woke up around 10ish on Sunday. Mum said, 'Why you wake up so early?' I didnt sense any sarcasm there. She's been really really nice to me. Knowing how hard *erhmm...* I work. My late lunch started with fish porridge at a coffeeshop in hougang with a friend who lives nearby. After which he brought me on an eating tour of hougang. We tried some (not really) smelly toufu, supposedly from Taiwan, then had some muah chee (very very good!!!). I bought some cheesecake for my mum. (There were numerous bakeries and we went into every one of them just to look. I am proud to announce I overcame temptations to buy more.) We also got a couple of slices of papaya (which in the end I had to bring home cos' we couldn't eat anymore). Finally sat down to a plate of (Chinese) rojak (extremely delicious!) for our late afternoon tea. While we were walking around the neighbourhood, he was giving me detailed commentaries on what food is good at which eatery or coffeeshop and some of the histories behind those places etc.

All throughout I was sweating like a pig. That got me dying for a dip in the pool. Plus all that food I ate!!! I had to do something! Spent an hour or so leisurely swimming. Then more food! (OMG! you must think, She is a PIG! haha.) In an early celebration of my cousin's birthday, my aunt prepared steamboat and invited my mum and I to their place (across the road from ours) for dinner. And so I ate some more. Fresh seafood, vegetables, flavourful soup... My dinner went on for ages. haha...

All that and I couldn't go to the gym last night cos' I finished late at work. I so have to go today. Miss FATTY...


The 2 pretty desserts (panna cotta and passionfruit trifle) we were given at work today (MedChem opening I think), with the 'lil kangaroo at my desk. =)

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Fainéant

Late Sunday morning.
Lying in.
Grey, uncharacteristically cool.
Book in hand.
Ceiling fan whirling softly in the background.
Halted reading momentarily.
Pricked up my ears and listened.
In the relative peace,
Sounds that I've not noticed before;
Birds chirping.
From the road just next to the flat,
An occasional car zooming by.
The vroom-vroom of motorcycle engines from the carpark.
I turned back to my book.

Early Sunday afternoon.
The sun's decided it's time to show her face.
Beating down on the concrete walls.
I turned up the fan.
The noise it generated increased as its speed went up.
The feathery singers have gone quiet now.
Probably hiding from the heat.
The road's busier.
Buses pulling into the stop.
Zoom, zoom.
The four- and two-wheeled speeding by.
Yawn.
A full stretch; almost feline.
Grrrr...
That's my stomach, demanding to be fed.
I removed myself reluctantly from the comfortable bed.
It's time to start the day.

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Noir

Can you tell I love black? =)

Not only does the colour slim the silhouette, it also somehow manages to complement my brownish skin tone. Besides it's a fitting colour for my mood these days. Am in all black today. Un chemisier noir, des pantalons noir. Just realised that this week, other than yesterday, I've worn black tops to work.

Just because it's Friday, I'm feeling more peppy. :D

I want to thank the friends who've been there for me lately because they've sensed I've not been me. It's really sweet, you guys! :) Friends who've been asking me out because they feel I need the company or cheering up. Friends who've made me realise that for the one person who doesn't care, I've got tons more who do. Merci beaucoup!!!

Have a fantastic weekend peeps! (I've got a busy weekend lined up, thanks to the aforementioned friends, so it should be a good one. ^_^)

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La pomme

Had an apple after my lunch today. With the first *crunch* bite, a burst of cool, refreshing sweetness exploded in the mouth and within minutes the beautiful reddish pink fruit was gone. In its place stood a miserable thin core. For a second, I pondered profoundly *chuckles* about how naked it looked, as if it's missing its clothes. Then, time pressing, (I had to get back to reality, a.k.a. work. Argh!!!) and tossed it into the nearest bin.

My sweet tooth activated, I started rummaging in my snack drawer. Pulled out a mini snickers bar. Big mistake. Regretted immediately as I sank my teeth into it. Not just because it was sinful and unhealthy. But because it spoiled the pleasant, wholesome aftertaste of the apple. It didn't even feel like I was eating chocolate. I've never fancied snickers really. (Don't like the peanuts or the white gooey nougat-like stuff in there.) Much prefer rich, dark chocolates. Anyhow, I've learnt my lesson; next time, I won't feed my body trash after a nice fruit. ^_^

I'm blogging more regularly these days, have you noticed? Lately, (More so than before. Maybe cos' I've been feeling blue.) writing has become my way of letting things out. There's no one in particular that I can or want to speak to about stuff. So I find penning down my random thoughts rather cathartic. This blog's more for myself than anything else. So ya, I apologise if I'm boring you with my rantings.

Being at work renders my mind so devoid of intellectual processing (and human contact) I swear I can hear capricious thoughts bouncing around the interiors of my skull!!! Sigh. I am merely a paid monkey. What to do... I was just feeling a teensy uplifted yesterday from the meetings (both work and social), but today it's all going downhill again... 'One more day to the weekend, bear with it!' murmurs me to myself. (Yikes! Now I'm even talking to myself!!!) *tries to run away from self*

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When Life pitches a hard curveball your way,
And you miss batting it the first time,
Falling back on your butt from the sheer velocity of it.
(Strike 1!)
Do you stand up, dust yourself off and get into position again?
(Risk the possibility of Strike 2 & 3?? But you could also hit a homerun!)
Or is it easier to sit on the ground and sulk?
Waiting for someone to come help you up?

May I be the former.

Things are looking up ever so slightly. A little direction, a bit of focus. I just need to concentrate on finding out what I want. And I think I'm quite close to an answer.

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Are you a catcher or a dodger?

A played this game with me several times before. He'd unexpectedly throw something (not anything sharp or dangerous, mostly it's edible stuff like apples, oranges etc.) at me and see what I'd do. I turned out to be a catcher, i.e. I'd try to catch the object, not avoid it. It's a generalisation that most girls would dodge. He told me his mates used to do that with eggs. Imagine the mess!... Especially if it breaks in your hands when you catch it. Fragile things they are.

Little snippets of memories have been drifting into my consciousness lately. Occasionally they seem unreal. Like they've never happened before and it's only my imagination making things up. Still think of them every now and then. And as it is when I miss people, I wonder if they'd sometimes think of me too. (Probably not. Men. Sigh.) I find myself smiling at the silliness of the bucket-fuls of tears I cried when they left. I'd most likely never find a similar friendship like that which the 3 of us had. Not even if we were to meet up again. (And this fact wrenched my heart when I realised it.) Whatever that bonded us together before is gone now. We've each gone on with our separate lives. I'm only hoping that were we to bump into each other again in the future, we could still reminisce and laugh at our past antics. For now, I just need to keep the memories tucked away, safe, from old age, Alzheimer's and the like.

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Much ado about nothing

My multiracial girl mates gang! :) Taken last Sat with Ichaya's 3.2 mp camera which also functions as a phone (K800i! I like! ^_^).

Bored bored... Do not wish to look at my data. But have got 2 (damn) meetings tomorrow. So will have to put them into understandable graphs to present to bosses before I can leave today. Big sigh.

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Part II

'Bye'. She chirped as she stepped out of the elevator.
'That's all?' He asked, a questioning look on his boyish face.
She turned around just outside the door, head tilted slightly to one side and regarded him with an equally, if not more so, quizzical gaze. 'Hmm...?' her expression says.
A heartbeat of silence as she waited for an answer.
In reply, he reached out, pulled her back into the lift and kissed her. For the first time.

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Le premier baiser - Part I

They stood at the cross junction. 'I had a great time today, thanks. Good night!' Without thinking, she leaned in and kissed him on the lips lightly. He gaped, not knowing what to say or do. An awkward moment passed. 'Haha', a nervous sound trying to pass off as a laugh. She said something, exactly what she can't remember. He must have regained his wits and made a smart retort because just to punish him, she tiptoed and touched her lips to his again. Only this time, he didn't let her go. For long moments he held her in his arms as if she might disappear if he wasn't careful. The headlights of cars flashed by on the road next to them but they didn't care if anyone was staring.

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Withdrawal symptoms

My sis rang me last night. It was great to speak to her. I missed our chats. (usually her listening to me gripe. haha) And like she said, it was better when we didn't have to pay (to talk to each other).

Caught up with my girlfriends at Novena Square for lunch on Sat and that was possibly the best part of my weekend. We ate and bantered on about nothing in particular. ^_^ Si1vara went shopping for trainers in Velocity and we served as her entourage while the sales people carefully examined the arch of her feet and she tried the shoes on the in-house treadmill.

Also met up with another set of friends (very couple-ly group this was) over dinner at a Hong Kong-styled cafe in Katong. Food was quite interesting and tasty. They went on to K-box and I sat around with them for a bit (the only singing I do is in the bathroom to myself) before leaving with one of my friends who also doesn't sing. We sat down for a quick drink at a coffeeshop near my place before parting ways.

Went out for lunch on Sunday with an older American friend at a Chinese restaurant (Lao Beijing) in PS. (Expensive and not say very amazing food for the price you pay... Luckily it was a treat. heh.) I used to think he was a little on the sleazy side but not so much anymore. As I got to know him a little better, he seemed to be quite an honest person and not one who would have hidden agendas. I'm still keeping my guard up but I'm starting to think this could become a friendship. He showed me photos he took on his vacation to South Africa. (so cool hor?)
The rest of Sunday evening was spent lounging at home on the sofa and watching tv with mum. Nice and relaxed. (Trying not to think of having to go to work the next morning.)

Good weekend of pigging out and seeing friends. Now if only I can make that happy feeling last the whole week until I get my required dose again.

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How do you

end something that has never started?
Maybe there's no need to. Maybe it'll just fade away on its own.

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All out of sorts

Been feeling a little messed up since I came back from the holiday. Doesn't make any sense, I hear you say? Aren't vacations meant to rejuvenate? I wonder too. Maybe it's just post-holiday blues. Maybe it's cos my legs were giving me grief. (I really can't blame them, after what I've put them through.) Maybe it's cos' I just generally look terrible. (sunburnt face, ears, neck, peeling and patchy.) Maybe it's simply cos' I hate my job.

Today though, I woke up feeling a teeny bit better. My legs feel almost normal. (Save for my toes, especially the 2 big toenails which are detaching slowly and hurting awfully!!! And the array of bruises and bites big and small. And my sore ankles. Well, I did say almost.) I just might be able to get back to my gym routine next week. (*fingers crossed* I've been snacking so much this week since I've been going straight home from work. O_o)
I've resigned myself to the fact that the only way to carry on with my work is to shut myself down and pull through the day. It's Thursday, that much closer to the weekend. I'm entertaining myself with blogs, playing with Photoshop (I've just discovered the joys of tweaking photos, especially when they come out looking better than when I started. Ok, now that sounds a little geeky. haha. I do love looking at photos. Preferably ones without me in them.) when in between sessions in the lab. (I so should be reading journal papers instead but I can't be bothered anymore.)
Someone bothered to ring me last night when I didn't reply his text. It was sorta sweet. (Even though it woke me up.)

Am thinking of the meme Myztika tagged me with. Will put it up once I come up with all 6. (I'm very normal one leh. How to think of 6 weird things?!?! Haha.)

My mind's also on pistachios at the mo. Have got a rather sizeable bag of them to use up so need some good recipes. Google gives me tons of hits I don't even know where to start trawling through. Any babe (or gent, now don't say I'm being sexist) out there knows some tried-&-tested recettes, let me know k? ^_^

It's almost going-home time. Best part of my day.

P.S.: Spoke to my cousin on MSN this afternoon. She just came back from Milan. MILAN!!! Told me it was fantastic! Relatively new SQ route. If only I could fly like she does. And she sometimes tells me she wishes she has a 'ground' job like me. We should trade for a bit. Ha.

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'Ah ping ah yi, why u walk funny like that one?'

And he proceeds to demonstrate. SO adorable eh? :D

My legs are still aching from the gruelling trek in Bali. It was a one-of-its-kind holiday for me. Satisfying in a weird sort of way. It felt great to be outdoors, trying my limits, picking up different skills, getting to know new friends. (Thanks for asking me along, Chiu!)

On Day 1 (27 Feb 06), we arrived in the evening, was picked up and sent to a rustic, beachfront-type place in Candidasa. After feeding ourselves, discussing itinerary for the holiday, we chit-chatted till late. I laid in bed that night, excited but also very slightly missing home. The smell of homemade bread baking in the oven wafted through the open windows as the sound of crashing waves slowly lulled me to sleep.

Where we stayed the 1st night

Trek started afternoon of Day 2.

There's a lot more to the trek than I can describe here. I shall try to summarise. We probably climbed, descended and walked for about 31 hours over 2 days and for most of the time we were soaked to the bone from the lightning and thunder storms. It goes without saying that the view at the summit (at 3142 m above sea) was absolutely breathtaking! We were a good distance above the clouds! It felt well worth the pain. (Along the way, a common thought a few of us had was why the hell did we pay $ to torture ourselves. haha.) But on the descend, I was unbelievably terrible. I slipped and fell countless times. Quite a few times I very nearly gave up mentally. And if not for the guide leading me and the rest helping me now and then, I would have. The lack of sleep, food (on the 2nd day, we only had breakfast, no lunch or dinner.) and water compounded the bleakness of our situation. I'm so glad all of us made it out safely. (The word 'Agung' -name of the volcano now strikes a sense of awe and fear in our hearts. haha.) I hope it has made me stronger. And when I've forgotten the agony of this trek, I'll go on another one. Ha. :)

Sunrise close to the summit

We went to Sanur the same morning (Day 4) we arrived at the foot of the volcano. Finally got to fill our stomachs (food, gorgeous food!), after which Chelsea and Xun went to bed while Chiu, Yan, Diwei and I went exploring the little town. Dinner was oil-drenched, msg-loaded mee goreng at a roadside stall. Day 5 was spent on an island nearby called Lembongan where we went snorkling. (My first time! I didn't know how to use the mouthpiece to breathe at first but after Chiu and Yan taught me how to, I was off! :p) It was so fun!!!! I couldn't get enough of the clear blue-green water and the colourful marine fish! Schools and schools of the graceful-looking creatures. It was amazing being able to swim so close to them. Like I jumped into a humongous aquarium!
I loved the place we stayed in. The beach was almost literally at our doorstep! We strolled along the beach in the evening and found a romantic-looking restaurant for dinner. Although we were eating in near darkness (the candles on the table were hardly sufficient), I thoroughly enjoyed it. I had grilled tuna which was lip-smackingly delicious! :D

Jaffles for tea

Lembongan on a misty morning

On the morning of Day 6, we left the island reluctantly on an overcrowded ferry. Headed to Kuta for some shopping before taking our flight home in the evening.

That was a memorable trip, it was. ^_^

A street in Kuta

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A strong bear hug from a loved one now would be so nice.

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