Monday, July 31, 2006

To the bestest grandfather we could ever have

Bye, Grandpa... We miss you lots... :'(

Grandpa passed away last Wed. The wake spanned 5 days. My mum, aunts and uncles took care of almost everything. The rest of us merely tried to make ourselves useful in whatever way we could. Or just being there for the family.

I was really surprised when on the first evening, I was told that my company had sent a flower wreath. (and a big one at that!) I was considerably touched. More so when a few of my colleagues said they wanted to come see me and actually travelled from the west (work) to Ang Mo Kio... A church friend also dropped by and said a much needed prayer with me.

It didn't surprise me one bit that the parasite who lives in the room opposite my sister's and mine took compassionate leave from his pathetic excuse of a national service (apparently he came up with some medical condition to get downgraded to slack.) and stayed at home. He rarely turned up for the wake. Even on the last day. When everyone was there.

Watching the coffin delivered into the incinerator was really heart-wrenching. After, when we went back to collect his remains, I stared at the pile of white bones and found it very hard to convince myself he's really gone. My mum echoed my thoughts when she said, 'No amount of possessions on earth seem to matter when in the end all that's left of you are ashes.' I prayed that God will help me be a better person, do the right things and not be worried about material stuff.
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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Give me something to smile about please?

Over the last weekend, other than spending time at the hospice, I read. 2 humorous (British-style) modern day fairytales. (Think romantic comedies.) If I count another one I read during the week, that's 3. And although they were a fun, entertaining and light read for most part, I've come to realise that nearing the later part of the stories I start to not like them. Hate would be too strong a word. The endings are those that make me want to stick my head under the pillow and cry. Such predictable, diabetic-sweet, happily-ever-after, won't-ever-happen-in-reality (well, at least not to me) finales. Too good to be true, I say. (Again, this only applies to me lah.)

Anyway, after that, I was very glad to pick up one of Tony Parson's books at the library. I enjoy his stories the way I grew to like bittergourd, durians that are bittersweet. Reflective of what I think real life is. More bitter than sweet most times. Or maybe it's just my frame of mind in this particular period.

This last weekend also saw me and my sister spending quite a bit of time together. We shared some ban-mian and sushi for dinner on Sat. And since there was nothing on tv, we watched dvds on the laptop, while digging into sinfully delicious chocolate ice-cream. And chips. (/crisps, if you like.) I cooked a simple dinner (noodles, veges) for us on Sunday night. It was really soothing to be with her, not having to worry about how I look, what I eat or say.

It's late, I should leave the office. Don't think I'd be frequenting the gym much this week. Sigh, so terrible, but I just can't find the energy to go...

I didn't want to have to paste a smile on my face (hideous, like thousands of active volcanoes just took over it, by the way) at work, I've taken to working in the lab from morning through lunch and only surfacing in the late afternoon.

Really should go. Bye.
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Friday, July 21, 2006

Build me castles, in the air...

Getting disappointed with my work and myself. I don't understand why a batch of my rats are performing worse everyday. Tried running through reasons in my head; they're getting bored with the training (but they're getting food through it!!), they are simply too old to pay attention, I'm not doing things right? (But I'm doing the same thing as before and they used to do so well!) Sigh.

It's not been an easy week. Still feeling slightly odd (can't put my finger on it).

Last weekend was pretty much a stay-home one. The later part of Sunday was quite interesting when I met up with Christian and his friend, Aidan. Christian and I were tour guides of the day.

First stop, Arab street. After having a look around the area, we picked a cafe and sat down to nice, cool (the day was incredibly hot! I was sweating bucketloads!) drinks and sweet, sweet Arabic desserts! :D Dates, honey, raisins and nuts. So yummilicious!

2nd stop, Little India. We walked along the busy teeming streets, not talking to each other very much, merely trying to take in all the sights, left to our own thoughts. The vegetable markets, cheap clothing stores, jewellery shops... I've never walked around Little India on a Sunday, and I feel as much of an outsider as Aidan. Being there made me feel like I'm actually in India! And Aidan later voiced that same sentiment. As we passed a beautiful mosque along the way, he commented it's amazing a mosque could be in Little India when elsewhere in the world, Hindus and Muslims usually don't get along. And that's one of the things I'd always love about Singapore. An environment where different races and religions could co-exist rather peacefully. (Though I won't go so far as to say its people are not racists, when obviously we have some. *contempt*)

After we went back to Christian's to rest for a bit before we head out to Geyland for some dinner. I miss the food in Geylang!!! We had beef hor fun and broccoli to start. Then we crossed the street for some dim sum, crossed back again for some soy bean milk and you tiao. (We needed to get Aidan to try as much as he can, i.e squeeze food into him, cos' we wouldn't have another time to bring him here.) For dessert he definitely had to have durians. :D Hee. He said they smell like onions and he hates onions. But bravo to him for actually trying it! :) Not many foreigners can get past the smell to put it in their mouths. He liked the Queen of fruits, mangosteens, though. Those were nice, fleshy ones. We were so stuffed at the end of the night! Suffice to say the next thing we wanted to do was sleep. Haha. So we said our good nights and went home.

Am glad it's the weekend again. Though I don't have anything interesting lined up but I suppose I could either relax at home with a book or find myself something to do.

Went to visit my grandfather after work on Wed. He looked really tired. :( I felt useless and helpless in the face of his pain. The only thing I can do is to keep praying and going to see him.

Pulled myself to the gym yesterday and it was a good thing I did. After surviving 30-min on the cross-trainer, (it was one of my worst! I used to be able to last longer and on a higher resistance, yesterday though, I could hardly finish it... Sigh.) I decided to be courageous and go for a bodypump class, alone. It was rather embarrassing, me not knowing that I needed to set up my own equipment and no clue how to go about it. Besides there was not much space left when I got there 5 min before the class. I went up to ask the instructress and she helped me. I wanted to be in the back of the class where I wouldn't be conspicuous when I made mistakes but she said it's better for me to be in front where I can see her, so she pointed out a spot. But there was this very selfish lady in front of that said spot who refused to give me some room behind her (even though there was space in front of her), saying, in her irritating I-am-the-princess-around-here voice, 'It's too narrow here'. So I shuffled away, not knowing where else to go, very tempted to put down the things and leave the class. The instructress went to ask the woman to move a little so she had no choice but to accomodate. She did make sure she glared at me after inching her fat arse forward. Biatch!

The workout was good though. My arms and legs now ache wonderfully! (I'm not weird just because I enjoy the feel of sore muscles now am I? :p)

The MRT journey from work to the gym is still a fairly raw, morose affair. Brings back memories of chats, laughter and fun which I'd much rather not be reminded of now. I'm certain with time I'd be able to look back at it with relish. Not just yet. Until then, it'll easier to try vanquish those thoughts to some far corner of the mind.

And keep my eyes fixed on upcoming vacations! Ho Hum!
Speaking of vacations, with my encouragement, my sister has applied for SEP (student exchange program) and I really hope she gets it. It'll be a great learning experience for her and I'll have an excuse to go to Europe next year (must visit my dear 'lil sis mah)! :D Have start saving up. It's gonna burn my pockets bad! Cos' being the sweet, loving, elder sis, I'm financing her. (Though technically, it's a loan. She's paying me back when she starts work. For now, she's calling me her trust fund. haha.) I really wanted to go for SEP back when I was in NUS but couldn't afford it. I'm happy I can help her with hers now.

Back to work stuff. I've come up with a plan to help my rats get back on track. Crossing my fingers for next week to see if it'll have any effect on them.

Received a reply from Alliance Francaise yesterday. (I sent in my Intermediate tests last week. Questions were well tough!) They recommended for me to start in Intermediate I. But after looking at the dates of the classes, it appears that I won't be able to start a class till next year cos' I'm away the whole month of Oct. Sigh. I was looking forward to it. So now I'm gonna hafta discipline myself to self-study before my limited French flees my mind.

Hmm... These days I either don't have time or feel like writing during the week but on Friday I always manage to come up with a chattering (like an idiot), totally random and trivial post. O_o I blame it on the sense of relief I feel at the end of a work week. Picture the sudden release of a valve on a pressure cooker and everything spewing out.
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Friday, July 14, 2006

Put them varied emotions all into a large mixing bowl and stir well.

Joyeuse Fete Nationale, France!!! :) It's Bastille Day!

Friday and I'm still stuck in the lab at this hour. *weighty, shoulder-heaving sigh*

I'm bored... The colleagues who were entertaining me before have left the lab an hour ago after they finished their work. I wish my job is as non-time-consuming and non-labour-intensive as theirs...

Never mind, I shall content myself with thinking about the fact that today's the last day of the work week. Which, by the way, also reminds me that I've not been to the gym for a full week! *checks belly and face scrunches into the likes of a raisin* Ewww...

Virtuous white-winged angel over right shoulder: You really should go this evening... You'll feel better after exercising.
Horned devilish imp over left shoulder: There's no need to go. It's the weekend. Eat whatever you want! (under his breath: and expand breadth-wise. *evil laughter*)

I'm going to buy a new computer and Sim Lim closes early so I can't go to the gym lah. Valid excuse, I tell myself. Of cos! Imp pulls victory grin at angel. I promise I'll start next Mon! Angel gave resigned look, ok.

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I went to the hospice near our place with my sis yesterday evening to visit my grandfather. It was indescribeably depressing to see him waste away. The last time I saw him in TTSH, he was still looking ok and chatting with us. He looked like he had aged 10 years since then. Adding to that is my guilty conscience for not visiting him more often. I cried silently. My sister standing quietly beside me was sniffing and her eyes were red and wet. I will go see him more.

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Keep your loved ones close. If not, at least let them know you care.

Have a pleasant weekend.
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Thursday, July 13, 2006

Stay? Just a little while more?

I caught up on blog-reading while working and was chastened by a reminder of how insignificant the upsets in my life are compared to the many horrid, unfortunate things going on elsewhere on our spinning blue globe. Sometimes I don't look outside of ME... Resulting in way too much whining and complaining. O_o

I miss the 2 people whom I've done almost everything with the past few months. Even though it leaves me with a 'it-wasn't-enough-don't-take-them-away-from-me-yet' feeling, I'm grateful I even got to know them intensely for the short time. And I'm thankful for the friends and colleagues around me who have left me messages, been supportive and caring recently. Thanks guys!

In this globlised (they are merely an expensive plane ride away) world, I would be able to see them again, is what I've been telling myself. And even though I know it wouldn't really be the same anymore (We would not be working, lunching, gym-ing, hanging out together. We would have vastly different lives.), when we do meet again, I can only hope that the friendships stay relatively unspoiled through the time zones and miles.

Tu me manques.
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Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Blink blank blink.

M's gone. His team (except Christian, he said he doesn't like goodbyes) and I sent him off at the airport this morning. On the train to the airport, I had trouble holding tears back. But when I met M and the others, I felt better as we chatted and joked. Though after breakfast, at the departure gate, the dam again threatened to break. Just before it did, M made a run for it. A quick hug and before you could count to 5, he was off. (I guess a quick death is a less painful one.) He turned back and waved a few times as he walked, then stuck his hand out behind the wall which blocked out our view. My colleagues were the ones who comforted me as I sobbed.

It was a stark contrast from when A left. A held me for a while before he went through. And his sleeve was wet when he let me go. (I guess that's how dissimilar they are.)

In the cab on the way back it was unusually solemn. (The other 3 are normally very riotous and loud.) The 2 guys spoke a little now and then, seemingly trying to lighten things up.

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As I work with my animals now, I'm thinking about what has taken place over the last week I haven't had time to write about cos' I had been occupied with everything and nothing. O_o

I had dinner with M, Christian and Claire R last night at Boat Quay. Food was nice. I helped M carry his presents (He was spoiled rotten by us, he said.) back to the apartment since it was on the way home and I also needed to pick up the mirror that A left me.
M had a present for me. (Surprise, surprise! He never gave me any presents.) It was a novel which he said was well-known ('Wild Swans'). Set in communist China. I gave him the leaving presents I prepared.

A had left for his 3-month adventure on Tues. I had Mexican food at Holland V with him and his travel partner, Joelle on Monday evening. He insisted on buying the dinner. He liked the birthday presents I gave him. (It was his birthday last Sunday.) I've always enjoyed his reactions to presents. Very animated and filled with superlatives. :D Also he thanked me like 10 times over the evening.

Sometime earlier this week, a teacher from Alliance Francais called me about my placement tests. She said I did very well for the tests (beginner's) and asked if I wanted to try the intermediate ones, then determine the classes I'll start in after that. That was good news. :) Though I must say that the beginner's were easy cos' it was multiple choice and only 2 choices, so 50% chance of getting a question right. Not difficult mah.

Last Sunday evening I met a friend, Daniel, did a little window-shopping in the mall in Bishan.

Last Saturday evening was M's last Sat in Singapore and A's birthday weekend so there were tentative plans to have a night out. I was out shopping with Zan and Kay (Very good to meet up with them again!!!) so I met them later. Quite a few people were at M's place when I got there. We had a few drinks then left at about midnight, went to a pub in Boat Quay, had a drink and A said he wanted to dance. A had originally wanted to go to MOS but we stopped at a strange club called 'Home' between Boat Quay and Clarke Quay instead. The music they were playing was not the kind I'm used to. A really didn't like the music so he left early, about 3am. I stayed till about 5am. I left the club with Shab and her friend while the rest stayed on. Shab's friend wanted to have a bite so we went to MacDonald's. I had gotten sick (puked) twice before and they said I should eat something to settle the stomach so we all had a McMuffin meal. So bad (caloric, fat-wise) but oh-so-good! :) Then we sat there and chatted till it became light. I only got home about 8plus in the morning. Haha... So tired then.

Last Friday was gym day. I'm guilty to say, I've only gone twice last week. And this week I haven't been yet. Not good. Especially with me having dinner outside so many times recently.

Last Thursday my sis and I met up in Bishan after work. Both of us bought some clothes from the evening's 'accidental' shopping. Accidental because we hadn't gone there with the intention to shop. Was very happy then.

So that's the end of my update. My work's almost done. No gym again tonight. I'll try to go tomorrow. For now, I just wanna go home and sleep.

I cried.
For what has been.
For what will not be.
For which after I felt better,
though vacuous.
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Monday, July 10, 2006

I barely read half a journal paper today. I'm listless. Don't know what I've been doing with my time. Nothing apparently. Hmm...

Gotta go buy Mike's present this evening. An absolute must cos' it's his last day tomorrow.

Ok, will leave now. Wish me luck on the pressie-hunting!
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Tell me I'm right. I don't want to be wrong.

I'm blue. France lost... :( Bleagh... I was so looking forward to seeing them win the Cup! They were doing well. I was too tired to watch the match this morning but I dreamt that France won 2-0 and woke up with a good vibe. Sigh. If only that was true...

It's a cool rainy day. (I should be sleeping, snuggled under my blankie.)

And I don't feel like working. I mean seriously. Not just my usual feeble Monday whining. I was considering taking urgent leave. My boss is away on conference, so all the more easier. If it had not been that A's coming into the office to pass me some of his things to safekeep while he goes on his 3-month travelling, (damn, I wish I could too!) I would have stayed home.

Anyway I'm being lazy today. Not going to train my animals. Giving them and me both a break. (Actually I had given them a break last Friday already while I cleaned the kits. But well... ha.) This is one of the advantages of working independently. I can do things my way. So long as I get the required work done in the end, nothing much else matters.

So now I'm sitting at my desk, trying to read journal articles that I'm so behind on. (I had actually missed reading them while I've been stuck in the lab all day everyday!) Then surfing the net when I get bored... haha. A day of slacking. Though at some point today I'll still have to go down to the lab to feed my rats and check on them for a bit.

There's this line in the book I was reading on my way to work this morning that elicited a silent 'awww...' from me.

'What's your name?' he said, when what he meant was - may I love you for ever?
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Friday, July 07, 2006

Ping's List

Yay!!! It's the weekend! =D I feel happier just thinking about not having to wake up early in the morning to go to work. Can sleep in. Do whatever I want.

Zan's latest post reads like a summary of the various things that have been running through my mind. And she asked me what's my 'to-do list' on MSN which I didn't have time to reply before she went offline. So I'm gonna write a brief list here. It's actually quite similar to yours, gerl. :)

1. Language, namely French. And if I manage to get the hang of it, then maybe I would try my hand at Italian, since it's similar. I'm also thinking of the Japanese I started in university but never really got anywhere. There are bits and pieces still in there (my brain, that is) somewhere which I could dig out and improve on. Though French would have priority now since I'm much better at it than Japanese. These 2 languages are my favourites!! :)

2. Learn driving. ($)

3. Improve fitness level, decrease body fat percentage. haha. Hope I can push myself to continue going to the gym regularly even though my gym mates have left.

4. Travel. ($)

So far that's the major stuff. There are loads of other things that I want to learn for example, I'd love to pick up diving. But those will have to wait. They all seem to require money... O_o

I've actually done something towards my list today. :) I've just done my online French placement tests and would be able to start classes in August.

Now I'm on to the gym. Meeting a trainer who's gonna tell me about the promotions the gym has now on personal training (PT) sessions. But I know they're still gonna be expensive. I wish I could afford them cos' I think it'd work but it's just way beyond me. Ok, gotta run. Au revoir!
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Thursday, July 06, 2006

They say new's better. I don't necessarily agree, but that's just me.

Life's little disappointments stem from expectations, don't they? I'm learning to expect nothing except from oneself. Not very easy I suppose, but definitely a very useful trick to master.

Am feeling strangely at peace with myself now. Yesterday evening/night saw me bestowed with an important lesson. My colleagues/friends who stood by me and cared were not the ones I would have thought to be there for me. So while a part of it saddened me beyond words, (Some people tell me I'm just being overly sensitive. And I admit sometimes I do make that mistake. But... well... not this time. ha.) I felt a 'tap on the shoulder' (hey, look here!) and was reminded of how lucky I was for the people who watched out for me. ^_^ Am not an optimist by nature but I think I'm picking it up. :)

People seem to be streaming out of the company lately. Another fun colleague's leaving us at the end of this month for greener pastures. Sigh. Soon there'd be no one left but the newcomers...

Alomst everyone in the office (and then some) turned up for M's farewell dinner last night at Iguana's. It was quite a good dinner. I met my Pop's (Christian's) 2 Irish friends, Aidan and Peter who are here for a holiday. A bunch of us went to One Night Stand after for some drinks. There was a live band playing and they were great!

After that Christian, his friends and Claire R and I stood out the bar for a while to finish our drinks (Hoegaarden, the only beer I like!) and the other remaining people went ahead to MOS. After we finished our drinks we went to MOS to see if we could get in. (Aidan and Peter were wearing shorts so it was highly unlikely.) They wouldn't let them 2 in so we all went home instead. Claire asked me to stay with her since I'm quite far from home and her place is really near work so it's more convenient so I did. She's been really nice to me everytime we go out, that sweet girl... :D

At her place, I had a shower and attempted to watch the match (France vs Portugal) but conked out in front of the tv soon after. Thankfully, France won! :D It helped make me feel slightly better today.

It's been a bit since I've written about my work. It's been progressing ok. Did I ever mention that the rat that was sick before had died after? :( He was from the old batch of rats that have been undergoing training since like forever... I am hoping very, very hard that my drug arrives soon so I could actually start drug trials... My other batch of rats (younger, smaller) have been performing quite well in their training. I've been able to move them up the stages steadily. All 59 of them except 1 who obstinately refuses to eat from the food hopper. Sigh. I don't know how else to teach him. He'll no doubt delay the whole project if he remains this way. Everyone else is on stage 3 of training now and he's still stuck in 1. Then, in the 59 that are in stage 3 now, it's very interesting to see how quickly a few of the gifted ones learn the rule to the 'game' while the rest pick up slowly. It's quite rewarding (and surprising) when you see how smart they are.

That's all about work update I guess.

I'm tired. Mentally, emotionally, whatever-ly. Everyday stuck in the lab alone for over 6 hours does things to you... *_* I think I might skip my spinning class today. I feel really bad. I should go. If I just go home after work there'll be nothing much to do. Nothing's on tv tonight. [I miss my friends... haha. (Zan, I wanna hang out!)]
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Monday, July 03, 2006

I should just eat grass.

A picture a friend posted on her blog reminded me of an immensely demoralising, depressing incident last Wed. I was prepared to go to the gym after work. A trainer had called me in the afternoon saying the gym is offering a complimentary PT (personal training) session for all members therefore asking if it's possible for me to have the session that evening. Since I was going anyway I said ok.

The first thing I had to do was a body analysis by a machine. You stand on it, hold 2 handles by the side of your body and it gives you all kinds of readings such as; your body fat percentage, water percentage, BMI, strength of your arms, trunk, legs, fitness level etc etc. I don't remember what my readings were like when I first joined the gym 6 months ago (I should go dig it out.) but it doesn't seem very much optimistic this time round. My body fat percentage was above the desired number!!! (Horrendously, terribly upsetting!) And I was told my arms and trunk are very weak! (My legs are ok apparently.) I've put on weight since I've joined. (why?? why???) My weight's a 100% which is supposed to mean it's in the normal range, but (since it's not a test score, so... ) I don't want. I used to be between 90 - 95% which, in my opinion is more satisfactory. 'Heavy' sigh. So all that concludes that I'm fat! F-A-T!!! What is the whole point of me going to gym if my numbers don't improve?!?!

He then asked me if I watch my food. One should only give in to cravings once a month in his 'manual'. How to only eat chocolate once a month??? Someone tell me?!? I can't possibly give up chocolate. It's what keeps me sane in this inane world. What kind of life would it be to have to be on a constant diet?

The training session was good. (Apart from another trainer - who trains my colleagues and had said if I ever want to sign up for PT sessions, find him - shooting daggers at me cos' he thought I had signed up with this other trainer.) He pushed me well hard (a few times I thought I was going to cry from exhaustion. But I didn't of cos'!) and showed me some new exercises. I made to tell him before he started his sales pitch that I wished I could afford PT sessions, but I can't. I think they'd be useful to help me target the muscles I want to work and to push me beyond my comfort zone. But the prices are sky-rocket high. $100 for an hour. Where to get that kind of $?!!?

This is not helping my Monday symptoms. I really don't feel like going to the gym this evening. But I haven't been for 3 days already and A had said to me in the past that when I'm not happy, I'd probably feel better for going. Now I just want to eat away the blues. :( Obese cow.
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There are times...

...I am reminded, nothing (not even people, especially not people) is constant in this world, not for 5 milliseconds.
...I come to realise 'How is it going?', 'How are you doing?', 'Speak to you later', are phrases thrown in as greetings or polite endings to conversations, not meant to be taken seriously or literally.
...I have to learn lessons the hard way.
...I pick up shattered pieces of myself, glue them together and try to be stronger.
...I wish I could simply run away.
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:( x100,000

England lost in a heart-wrenching match on Sat. I watched it with some colleagues at Chijmes. Big sigh. :( I had really hoped they'd go through.

I'm glad that France won. But it would have been so much better had England been able to proceed to the semi-finals too.

Getting a good dose of the Monday blues today. My weekend, maybe, just maybe, with the exception of Friday, quite clearly saw me under the rain clouds. And this has most unfortunately seemed to have spilled over into this week. :'(

Friday night I watched a bit of the Germany vs Argentina game. Met A's family at Long Bar for a bit where we watched the game. I made crepes following an online recipe for A on Sat morning. (With a generous spread of Nutella, bananas and mangoes on the side. Quite yummy if I may say so myself. ha. And a kiwi-pineapple fruit juice. Just the right amount of both fruits to get a sweet, tarty taste. Hope I can replicate this whole menu for my family. A was a guinea pig. hahaha.) The breakfast was deemed successful (right up there with his mum's), according to A. :D But the rest of Sat (Sat evening I was supposed to meet an old friend before going to watch the game but he had to cancel last minute, so I wandered around busy Orchard feeling very alone and bored.) and Sun (did nothing but eat and sleep) was rubbish.

M has been distant since his return from home. (which is what, 8th June, I think?) So technically I really shouldn't be still bothered by it. Besides he's leaving for good next Wed.

Back to work. :(
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