Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Cuddly

She closed her eyes and inhaled. The smell of him. His perfume. She had sprayed some on before she left for work in the morning, dressed in his jersey. Oversized comfort. Good thing she doesn't work in the city.

They hadn't gotten much sleep last night. Stayed up chit-chatting after getting back from a very pleasant evening of dinner and drinks with a colleague. She massaged his sore muscles with lavender oil as they talked, way past their bedtime.

He was opening up and she learnt stuff about him she never knew. Trival misunderstandings cleared.

He held her as they drifted off, individually, into lala land. She listened as his breathing grew deeper. The last thing she remembered thinking was of feeling safe and wishing she didn't have to move, ever.
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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Unmotivated

Argh, have had to drag my feet to the lab these past 2 days. I suppose sometimes, I wish I could sit in the office where most of my colleagues are.

The last weekend was quiet. A concise summary would be, I ate and ate and ate. :D

Zee, Myles, Christian, Claire R, M and I went for some Indian food along Serangoon Road. It was very good. I ate so much!!! I remember thinking aloud that I've never had North Indian food before these British guys came along. Now it's become a constant cuisine in my life. haha. I have had to ask them to tell me what dish is what. :D The Indian food I knew only consists of prata, mutton soup and stuff like that lah. South Indian, I think, right?
Then we went back to Zee's and Myles' place (where M and A are staying at before they leave) for a couple of drinks. A joined us soon after we got back to their place. On the way back to theirs, we passed by a set of swings (they were in the middle of nowhere!) and I had to go on one. I LOVE swings. The guys kept egging me to jump off when I was swinging at my highest. What good friends these are eh? Trying to get me to kill myself... Well, I do no such stupid things. :p

Saturday morning I met M to get the bike jersey we bought for him for his birthday exchanged for a bigger size. (I underestimated his shoulders.) It's been more than a month since I bought it. He hasn't worn it. We've just been too occupied to be able to get it done. Actually, he's the busy one but insisted he wanted to see the shop so I had to wait till he's free then go together. The lady at the shop (the same person I bought it from) was very nice to allow us to change it for L. He likes the shop cos' it's well-stocked with apparel and bikes. Muttered under his breath something like 'Where have I been all this time?' hee. ^_^ 'Too bad you're leaving', I told him.

We were browsing through the jerseys and shorts and I was picking stuff out for him to try on when the lady suddenly asked me if I'd like to help her out on Sats in the apparel section. I was quite pleasantly surprised (it's not everyday that someone pops this kind of question. I take it as a compliment, that she likes me. :p), said, 'Why not?' Gave her my number and she said she'd call me.

M was hungry when we were done and there was a new aussie pie place just next door so we decided to try it. Light, flaky pastry, meaty pies, though on the pricey side. I had a chocolate eclair that was not bad (nothing beats pastries in France now. My tastebuds have been spoilt! Hee.) but definitely overpriced. ($4 for one!).

Afterwards I went to East Coast to meet A and the Claire-s to do a bit of blading. A was really good at the end of the afternoon and it's his first time blading too! I suppose his skiing skills helped. Still, very impressive how good he is. :) I'm crap at it... Sigh. Well, I could move on those wheels but absolutely without the grace that one is meant to have. :( A hung around with me to watch out for me while the Claire-s returned their blades and went for a dip in the sea. A and I stopped soon after and I walked along the shore as A went for a short swim.

4 of us met up then the Claire-s went home in one cab and A and I shared one. A's plan was to get home to get his kit then go to the gym. (After blading for 2 hours! He's mad!) Anyway I didn't have my kit with me so I went home. I had the best intentions to go meet some secondary school mates after my shower but I started feeling too relaxed at home to go out again. So Sat evening was spent at home having dinner with sis, watching tv, and enjoying the ice-cream she kindly bought for us. I went to bed really early. I think it was 10-ish.

Sunday was 'make-dumplings' day at my aunt's. My mum and all my aunts were there. I went over in the hope to learn the secrets to wrapping a meat dumpling (those pyramid-like ones we chinese eat for duan wu jie.) I've always thought it difficult, but until then, never knew exactly how difficult! The few dumplings I tried to make were in terrible shape... And the leaves keep tearing... I gave up. Decided my job was to eat. Which was basically what I did the whole day.

Met up with M and A along with my sis and cousin, Ru, to watch X-men. It was good getting out of the house. (so I don't continue eating... O_o) And it's always great fun when I meet up with them 2, so even though we only came out for the movie (also one I've already watched) and went home after, it was worth it. :) Not many chances left to hang out with them anyway.

Yeah, so that's that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll hafta drag my fat a*s to the gym... sigh.
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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Of late, time has been leaving me behind

I'm behind in things I want to do, including updating my rather lifeless blog.

I'll quickly run through my last weekend and work towards this week. (Actually, not like anyone is interested with what I have done. I'm recording this for posterity's sake.)

Now, what was I doing last Friday? Oh, I remember being very tired after gym, went for dinner with A, M and Christian at 'Seafood in a Pan'. (A's and M's name for Fish & Co.) A, M and I were walking along Orchard Road from Someset to go to Wheelock Place, when I 'mentioned' (ok, maybe there was a slight complaint/whine to it) that my legs were threatening to go on strike. To my tremendous surprise, A offered to piggyback me. 'Really?!?!' So I hopped on while M carried A's backpack. :D It was really fun!!! That is, until M menacingly whispered to me, 'Ok, can we stop this now?' Now what business is it of his? I wondered, my just uplifted mood entirely turned around. He's not the one carrying me. If anyone should be embarrassed, it should be A and me, not him. I asked A to let me down. After a bit, M apologised to me for being mean and said he'd have offered to carry me too if his calves weren't hurting him so much from his gym session. 'It's ok,' was all I said, I think.

So anyway, we went for a couple of drinks after dinner before going home.

I was supposed to go for a JC classmate's wedding on Sat but feeling super duper ugly that day so I decided to hole myself up at home (in bed, under my blanket so no one would have to be subjected to the horror of having to look at me) and read. By evening, when I've finished the book I started that day, I was ready to get out of the house (though I was still feeling uber horrendous-looking). I called Christian and he said a few of our colleagues were going to his place to watch a dvd. I really didn't feel up being with a group of people, I merely wanted to hang out for a quiet evening preferably with just one friend. In the end, he convinced me to go so I don't have to stay at home alone. I met Christian for some dinner at Maxwell market and was glad I went cos' I felt better after meeting up with him. Turned out the Claire-s were not coming to watch the dvd but M was joining us.

The Japanese show (Taste of Tea) Christian picked to play was quite a uniquely strange one. (i.e. I've never watched a more weirdly-made show.) It was good, even though there seemed to be no particular ending/goal to the whole story. M fell asleep for a good part of the movie. And for a bit close to the end, I did too.

I didn't do much on Sunday either. Late afternoon, I went for what I was told (by an ex-colleague from Brewerkz) was a cooking demonstration by a French chef but turned out to be mainly a talk about culinary courses in Le Cordon Bleu, a French culinary school. Though I have no intention of paying tens of thousands of dollars to attend cooking classes, I do love food and the salad recipe that was shown by the French chef seemed like something I could try a hand at.

After that I met Christian for dinner at Crystal Jade in Great World City and then met A, M, Zee and Myles to watch Da Vinci Code. The show was not too bad (abhorred Tom Hanks' hair though). And parts of it were different from the book that I thought had no reason to be changed.

Now this week, on Tuesday and Wednesday, we went for a Singapore Neuroscience conference. A very small and highly boring one. I didn't get much out of it. I worked my hardest at being attentive in the mornings and only about managed it for the 1st 2 lectures of both days. After that my brain simply shut down from the monotony and refused to restart. I brought along a sketch book on Wednesday and some new drawing pencils I bought and started drawing during the lectures. It's been so long since I've picked up a drawing pencil that I forgot how good it feels. I finished a portrait that day which I'm not too happy with. (My sis agrees my standard has dropped. I used to draw better. A few of my colleagues, not having seen my earlier work, said it was good.) I'm going to attempt the same portrait again (It's part of my parting gift for the boys) and hope I do better this time. *fingers crossed*

Caught X-men yesterday with Christian (was supposed to watch a French show - L'enfant but he got the cinema wrong and surprisingly X-men was on. He really wanted to watch it so even though it was the 1st row, we went ahead with it). I give it 5 thumbs up (if I have 5 thumbs)!!! I really liked it! The story and action were good. Needless to mention, Hugh Jackman was cute! :) Love Halle Berry's hair.

The thrailer of Superman Returns was shown yesterday and that's another movie I'm looking foward to catching.

Sigh. So don't feel like working today. Neither do I feel like going to the gym later. (due to monthly woman affliction) But it's my favourite instructress for spinning today. Sigh. How? Should I go? :(

Weekend, come quick!!!
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Friday, May 19, 2006

Observation

There you were sitting, on the step closest to the little koi pond, revelling in the warm afternoon soleil. Your pale blue T-shirt set off your eyes handsomely. You know that. You were the one who told me about it. Moreover, the rays of sunlight seemed to enhance the crystallinity of your eyes in shades of blue, yellow and light green.

You had your bag of fruits with you, as usual. You picked up a slice of pineapple, peeled off the plastic bag holding it and took a big bite of the juicy golden-yellowness.

You were chatting to Claire.

'Can you hear them below? The voices don't seem to be travelling upwards, I can't hear them at all,' the other Claire said to me. 'No, I can't hear them either,' I replied, absentmindedly. We were sitting two steps up. I turned my attention back to her.

I took care not to let you or anyone notice that every once in a while, I sneaked peeks in your direction.

The pineapple's finished and you've started on your papaya. Ah, one of my favourite fruits, the papaya. 'An acquired taste,' A once said. I'll always remember how the 2 of us would go to the little shop tucked in the corner to buy fruits and we would both work together to pick 2 reddest pieces of papaya. How there was once when A was around, he started grumbling about me being choosy.

The sun felt good on my back. I don't look forward to going back to the cold office.

You took out the banana, balled up the damp bag, and made a move to stand up. At your signal, Shab announced, 'Ya, I'd better get back too.' We all got up.

An enormous fan of palm leaf almost caught you in the face. You commented to me how you seem to be constantly tripping over things. Doormats, branches. Then you recounted an incident when you were walking along a pavement and suddenly, you felt as if someone had grabbed hold of your ankle. It was a wayward branch sticking out onto the road.

Ding dong, chimed the bell of the lift, level 3, went a female elevator voice. Back to work.
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Thursday, May 18, 2006

For him

who makes me laugh when I'm trying to be angry,
who has a big, winsome, toothy smile, (quite like me, the toothy bit.)
who's the life of every party,
who starts stripping when he's wasted, ^_^
who has no qualms about farting (in front of others. Often soundly, sometimes deadly!!!), O_o
who beckons me close, as if to whisper, then burps in my ear,
who's the cleanest and tidiest guy I've ever known, (I swear it's true! I know it doesn't sound possible after the previous 2, but loud doesn't = unhygenic. ;p)
who takes joy in waiting around corners to scare me when I walk by,
who wouldn't miss a chance to take a dig at me then tells me I'm the best girl to tease/banter with cos' I can take it, (ha, as if that's gonna make me pull my punches! :p)
who loves animation (Spongebob!!! Ice age 2!) and turns his nose up at 'arthouse' flicks,
who owns a jumbo, warm, generous heart,
who's crazy about working out, thus, is forever getting hit on by gays. ;p haha.
who teaches me exercises at the gym when he has time to spare,
who possesses a fantastic height, build and looks, (which he doesn't seem to be aware of)
who gets embarrassed (read: smile, say 'Thank you' awkwardly, & maybe turn a little pink) everytime I compliment him,
who calms me when I'm upset (*insert nice words here*) or over-excited ('Shut up!'),
who laughs when I give him one of my 'looks' (mostly stares, glares and evil ones - you get the idea - after he takes the piss out of me) and tells me he's immune to them already,
who readily piggyback-ed me down half of Orchard Road when I said I couldn't walk anymore after gym,
For him, who's all these and more. Je t'adore! :D


who's pensive, (what's on your mind now?)
who watches out for me, (thanks! :D)
who's so easy to talk to,
who has a comforting presence,
whose sharp wit makes me smile/laugh out, everytime, in spite of myself, :)
who's amused when I pout,
who makes the funniest 'disabled' faces,
who's the sensible one among us trios, (well... mostly)
who is a posterboy of calm,
whose short-term memory is very literally, short, short, :p
who's blessed with alluring eyelashes (impossibly long and they curl all by themselves too!!!), *silently protests*
who's the fittest guy I've ever known, (it's quite intimidating sometimes, tu sais?)
who's one of the best persons to go shopping with, (ooo metropolitian guy...)
who counsels me on the necessity to feed my body right after a work-out, (and of cos' I obstinately refuse to listen. ha.)
who understands what it is like to be indecisive, (though I'm quite sure he's not as bad as I am.)
who watches foreign language and unconventional films with me,
who's an avid reader, (a rare specimen of the Y-chromosome species!)
For him, who's all these and more! Je t'adore! :D

For them 2, who sometimes gang up on me, who detest red beans, who bring the word 'spontaneity' to life, around whom there's never a dull moment.

Thank you.

Rappelles-toi nous,
Ne oublies pas moi.
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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Go, Going, Gone

Last weekend, the 3-day one, seemed to me now like it either never happened, or took place a long time ago... I suppose it's just that I had some good times that seemed slightly surreal, and the rest of it I was too exhausted.

Friday afternoon was spent relaxing on Siloso beach in Sentosa with A, Joelle (A's friend), Claire Rouke and M.
Shab and her son, Zain came to join us after. Late afternoon, clouds started gathering and within minutes I felt the first droplets. To get out of the rain, we went to one of the bars along the beach for some food and drinks. We hung out there till the drizzle stopped and moved out to the beach again, each one of us armed with an ice-cream, Shab's treat! I had a scoop of banana and one of fruits of the forest. Divine!!! :p yum...

We sat around for a bit more, chatting, mainly about childhood British sweets. (I was the only Singaporean around. So notice I wouldn't know anything about this...) I protested about it, but A started teasing me about the weird kind of food we have here. (Telling me I could talk about fish maw.) haha... So I gave up. Anyway I enjoyed watching and hearing them reminisce. Then there are some that Shab brought up that the rest don't know about. (M did a *hint hint*: she's slightly older. ^_^) I mentioned a few of my favourite childhood candies and suprisingly they had very similar ones too.

M and Claire left to go home soon after while the rest of us stayed around to wait for the musical fountain show. Boy, was the place crowded! We were very lucky to get in for the 730pm show and find seats! But it was well worth the wait, tight squeeze and heat. Towards the end, there was fire spurting out along with the fountains and that was quite spectacular ! ^_^ Then there was Kiki the magical monkey! Zain loves him! I'm gonna get him the stuffed toy the next time I go there. :) I went to Shab's place for a bit after and read some Mr Men and Action Man books to Zain. He didn't want to let me go home. But was too tired to protest once he was tucked in. He's so cute! Haha.

Saturday morning I met Daniel for the tree-top walk in MacRitchie reservoir. The weather was fine then, neither rainy nor too hot. We chatted animately as we hiked along. Until, halfway across the actual bridge in the canopy, it started pouring... Since we didn't want to sit out the rain, we got properly drenched. I was still enjoying myself. We trudged along the muddy paths, unsure of the direction we should go.
Stumbled out into the golf course. Green that seemed to go on forever. My first time in a golf course. There were stares as we made our way through, looking for the exit. People must be thinking, 'These 2 grubby-looking people obviously have no place in here!' I tried to look nonchalant. They were immaculately dressed, these snobs; neatly pressed polo T-shirts, creaseless, expensive-looking pants, and of cos', those silly golf caps. Strolling along, without a care in the world. Bored caddies with heavy golf bags following behind.

We finally found the main road after walking for quite some time. Phew, I couldn't wait to get out of that place. It reeks of the rich stuck-ups.

I went home, had a much-needed shower and rested for a bit before I set off to meet M and A at Anchorage. I stopped in Ang Mo Kio to buy some famous curry puffs for them. There was a long queue at the stall, I couldn't believe it! It took forever on the MRT to get to Queenstown. Argh... By the time I got to their apartment. I was hot and bothered. But they appreciated the curry puffs, so that was worth it. It was Joelle's last day in Singapore so A wanted to go to East Coast for some seafood dinner before she left that night.

M asked if I was hungry, mentioned he wasn't. It was about 5pm, my stomach wasn't demanding food yet. We decided we'd tag along and take a walk first while they had dinner, then join them after.

It was a quite a long, (we started where all the seafood restaurants are located, and ended where MacDonald's is) leisurely promenade. The sea breeze was cooling the day down. There were periods of comfortable silence between parts where we talked about anything that came to mind; the weird, funny running styles of some joggers, cats, bums, tandem bikes...

By the time we got back to Jumbo, the sun had just about set, A and Joelle were cleaning off their last bites. (In A's opinion, the food was so good, he could have licked the plates.) M was famished so we ordered some food. It was pretty good, though I think I've had better seafood.

Then it was time for Joelle to go. A went with her to the airport and M and I had another walk back to MacDonald's to catch a bus. It was a full moon that night. And as we strolled along, I kept an eye out for beautiful, shining lights in the horizon, which as they move closer, took the shape of planes, coming in to land at the airport. 'I want to be on one', I told him, thinking of how soon it'll be that I'd be sending them both off on their planes home, permanently.

It must have been nightfall that made my mood lose the lightness it had earlier. I stood on the beach, staring, unlooking, out the sea when M turned me around to give me a hug. It had been a while since I've spent time alone with M. I feel they've both been slowly distancing themselves from me, maybe it's just that they were busy, maybe I am being oversensitive, maybe they are just trying to be kind, to me.

'Would you like some coffee?' I asked. 'My treat!'

We sat in the cool, quiet (most people had chosen to sit outside) interior, sipping our unfanciful, brew-of-the-day coffees, occasionally taking a bite of the slice of carrot cake he wanted. A called, he was done at the airport. If we wanted to share a cab back to Anchorage? I asked A to join us but he said he had to get back. Then M told him we'd go back on our own by bus and MRT. I was quite surprised, cos' he doesn't like travelling by bus very much. Then M and I had a little discussion and we decided we should go back with A, so M called him back and we left together.

Back at the apartment, the 3 of us sat in the lounge and chatted past midnight. Then A's eyes started closing and he went off to sleep. M stayed up a bit more with me before I left to go home.

Sunday was big moving day. Out of Anchorage, into Farrer Park, where I no longer have easy visitation rights like I used to. Sigh. :(

My uncle was very kind to come along with his pick-up so the guys could load all their things and bring them over. A went with me and my uncle to unload on the other side while M stayed behind to start the cleaning up first.
After moving most of their possessions to the new place, my uncle left and we went back to Anchorage to do a final clean-up before the handover of keys at 3pm. Boy, were we tired, grimy and sweating (all 3 of us complaining that we smell. I smelt the guys - they always ask me if they smell but they weren't too bad. Of cos' I smelt the best, comparatively, I mean... ha) by the end of the afternoon. Back at the new apartment in Farrer Park, the guys started unpacking and I fell asleep, scrunched into a fetal position, in a corner on A's new bed. When I got up, I figured I wasn't needed around anymore and it was time to go home. The guys were still wanting to go to the gym as we had planned (they are mad!). But I opted out. I asked M if he wanted to go for a dip in the pool before leaving for gym and he went with me. It was literally a dip for me, cos' I had no energy left to swim. I even got M to do some butterfly strokes for me. He was reluctant at first cos' he said he was no good at it. But I thought he was great. :)

10 minutes later, we were back at the apartment, I took a shower and when I came out, M came to ask me if I was in a rush to get home and if I'm not they'd like to go for dinner and if I'd like to join them. 'What about gym?' I asked. 'We decided not to go.' It took me more than a moment to understand that sentence. They hardly ever give up gym for something else! Then A chipped in, 'We would like to bring you out to dinner to thank you for your help. There's a little French place just downstairs we could try.' :) So sweet of them. Well, although I know I'm not the reason they were not going to the gym (reasons: A- tired, M- too late) but I was jumping with joy.

Dinner was good. Affordable French food. We each ordered different starters, main courses and desserts and had tastes of each other's food. ^_^ We either stuck our cutlery into each other's plates or they ate off my spoon or fork, whichever I was feeding them with.

After dinner, M walked me to the bus stop. I was very happy that their new place is so much closer to my place. Although I know I won't be able to visit as often as I used to, but if I do now, it'll be much easier.

All in all, a very eventful, quite draining weekend.
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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

La vie

Lub dub, lub dub, lub dub...

A constant rhythm, which is, in its soothing way, beautiful. The music of life; miraculous, clean, pure.

I could listen to this for a long time, she thought, her ear on his bare chest.

Her slender fingers moved, uncommanded, to find the pulse that would match that cadence. Found it! She smiled. Her fore and middle finger rested on the inner curve of his neck. 3 words popped into her mind; strong, slow, steady.

There's an easier way to find my pulse, he said. He then showed her a spot on his right arm where a protrusion of an artery could be seen, vivaciously throbbing along to the beat. She gawked, marvelling at the little joie de vivre. Proceeded to check the vast network of visible blood vessels on his arms to see if there were more. The discovery of a few more inconspicuous pulsating sites made her feel like Christopher Columbus.

She was slightly disappointed there weren't any on her arms.

Wordlessly, he took her back into his arms. And she could hear that comforting sound again.

Lub dub, lub dub, lub dub...
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Monday, May 15, 2006

Respite

She stared into the flickering flames, mesmerised by the movements and images formed in the orangey-yellow glow. Allowed her mind free rein. Wandering. Sometimes pushing the fiery-red coals around with the fire-poker. A few pieces crumbled, fell apart into grey ashes, while beautiful, short-lived sparks flew when the hot, livid ones came into contact with the metal.

She has always loved the idea of an ancient stone fireplace. Wondered if she'd ever be the proud owner of one. In her imagination, there's a picture of him and her, sitting companionably by it in winter, fire blazing, mugs of hot chocolate with marshmallows and good books in hand.

Whenever she's alone and relaxed, as she is now, he edges, unbidden, into her thoughts. As much as she has tried to shut him out of her consciousness, there's always a hole, a leak. It has been difficult. Knowing he's not going to be there anymore, knowing he'd never be the one.

Just before despair threatens to overwhelm her, she blinks away the built-up moisture in her eyes, pushed the ashes into the heart of the fire and poured the remaining water from her mug onto it. The fire spat as it struggled to make a last attempt to revive itself. Smoke rose, signalling the battle lost. She turned her back to it and returned her attention to work.
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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Mission impossible

On a mission to climb out of the rut I got myself into. It's been a downhill ride after last slightly nightmarish weekend (I'll talk about it later).

Need.to.think.happy.thoughts...

Argh, so difficult...

My head's threatening to implode. Either that or my 2 hemispheres have decided they can't get along with each other and are going to split.
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Monday, May 08, 2006

I think therefore I am?

One of the things I look forward to on a Monday (to get rid of the blues) is to catch up on blogs of friends.
I was reading zan's and saw cute baby pictures. Could understand her laments.
Read Anantya's which almost made me tear. Her words hit so close to home. Situations not completely the same but so apt was her writing to what's going on inside me. It doesn't seem possible a friend far away is in a similar state of mind.

I'm not going to try to write after I've read hers, cos' it's just not gonna be as good. So I'll be lazy and ask you guys to read her site. The parts where she mentions people who think about life and what's in it are less happy than those who don't, wondering whether there'll ever be good results from experiments, no way of getting over things other than run right through it, wishing things could sort out on their own, being surrounded by people yet feeling lonely, the paragraph from the book, her poem 'yeah okay'.

Spoke a little to zan on msn and she mentioned there's a girl back from Life Sciences who's rolling in the moolah as a marketing/real estate agent. I've been trying not to think about this Business vs Science notion since after the chat with M about career paths (a few times now, but that's a while ago, cos' he has since decided what he wants and is going for it). He, like zan, thinks I'd do well in a business/marketing/people-interaction-type job. (Which makes that possibly 2 of the people closest to me en ce moment.) Sometimes I don't know whether that's meant to make me feel flattered or otherwise. Could that really be something I'd excel in? Is Science really not for me? (read: am I that bad in research? I know brains - something I may not possess - are essential for Science.) Questions, with no answers. Unless I make a bold move and change jobs, actually, careers. Then maybe I'd know. Answers I need before I dive into anything that would be too late to reverse. A PhD for example.

Money, and everything one can get with money versus interest. Where does accomplishments go? Where I would excel eh?
Something I wish I could hammer into people outside the industry is that there's no money in Science, absolutely none. Unless of cos' if you are a world-class scientist or one sitting in the top management in a big pharma. People think just because research is the 'in' thing now so scientists get paid lots. Rubbish! Ask anyone who works wearing a labcoat. Only us geeks know better.

Sigh. Along this line, I start questioning my motivations for wanting to pursue a PhD. It is a big committment, at least 3 years, usually 4. It doesn't come cheap. I'd need a funded studentship to be able to do it, though I seriously doubt I have the 'colourful' academic results to get a place.

Life doesn't get more complicated than when one is in one's mid-twenties... (Would I hear any chorus of agreement here? ^_^) I feel I'm at cross-roads where any decision I make (not what to eat or wear lah) would make a significant impact on the coming days. If I would ever get grey and wrinkly, I hope I can look back and say, as Robert Frost did, that 'I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.'
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Wrong move.

Waded out into the deep end,
Fell irrevocably in love with someone I shouldn't have,
Who can't reciprocate.
Killing myself slowly for it...
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Thursday, May 04, 2006

I will remember you. Will you remember me?

A girl from the same course and CCA back in university passed away 2 nights before from a traffic accident. Zan told me about it yesterday. It took me a whole minute before my brain responded with 'what'? It felt like a shock that didn't register. I didn't know her all that well but we've spoken quite a few times in school before.

It doesn't seem right that a person her age should be gone from this world. Life, precious, malleable yet fragile as thin glass. I find myself thinking about her and how people our age start planning for the future and possibly at the back of our minds, there's a little notion that we are indestructible. Death is something that only happens elsewhere. It doesn't figure into the equation. At least I'm quite sure that's how I think until something happens to jerk me out of my reverie. Then that doesn't last very long till the everyday chores take over (again) and I forget. To thank God for providing, for doing all He has done. To be nicer to people I love.

I feel like a bag of overflowing emotions. Tears threaten to drop so easily recently. I'm not usually like that. (I like to think I'm stronger than that.) It's that there's been an avalanche of (awful, painful) news from people around me.

Last night, after gym, I went to Christian's place with M to keep him company. Christian's granddad passed away a couple of nights ago. :(
The 3 of us had dinner (Hokkien mee from Maxwell. It was yummy.) together. Watched 'Chasing Amy' on his projector. It's quite an old film but very good. Very sad. The guy (Ben Affleck) was quite the prick. (As all men are. Ok, maybe 90%. The other 10%, I dunno, gay? taken?) During the movie, Christian and I had a couple of gin tonics each and M had a couple of Guinness. At the end of the night, I was slightly tipsy, but generally sober.

It was a very enjoyable evening with them 2. Thank God Christian will still be here for a while yet. (he promised me!!!)

M and I spent some time chatting at the bus stop after we left Christian's place. He mentioned A's acting a little weird (distant) this past week. Self-defense mechanism. Which then led us to talk about his own leaving. An (un)opportune moment for him to pick to give me a hug because it just made me start sobbing (the chest-heaving, snot-flowing kind) on his shoulder. He stroked my hair and made hushing sounds like I was a baby. I supposed I was behaving like one.

I needed that. The hug, the chat, the crying. Thanks.
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A dance on the kitchen floor

Both his arms around her waist, hers over his shoulders. It was meant to be a hug until he started swaying her from side to side. One of his hands moved to hold one of hers and he started leading her in a little dance. Twirl, step this way, that way, lean her over as close to the floor as possible. She giggled. She never could figure out which is the right direction to twirl. :)

He only released her to check on his spaghetti. It's important to cook pasta just right, you know?
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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I think I can find my way.

My long weekend was pretty good. Good in the normal, ordinary, unexciting, nice, sense. ^_^

Every one of the twit gang bought grown-up womenly thingies (foundation, powder etc.) last Friday, except me. Though God knows, I was in dire need to be beautified (-how can this creature be let out on the streets!!!-). Damn horrible, horrible skin! Especially under those blemish-amplifying white lights of the make-up counters. But was possibly feeling TOO ugly, sad and tired to bother. Not to mention slightly sick... When one's down on one's luck, even nature conspires to worsen things... I didn't bring an umbrella on Friday, but it wasn't too bad as it was only a slight drizzle and for a part of the walk from office to bus stop there's a shelter. Then just as I exited the shelter to cross the road, it started pouring! And the green man took his own sweet time to come on! So, I arrived at bus stop, drenched and cold. Tell me why I wasn't surprised when the rain let up 5 minutes after. Got onto a bus to town that had appeared to take no heed of the Save Energy campaign, its air-condition on full blast. *sigh*

Thankfully, seeing the girls cheered me up some. :) We chatted as we walked around looking at bags, wallets... Then parted ways to go home early.

I was supposed to watch a horror film on tv with my sis later that night, she even went to the supermarket to get us some comfort food (read: munchies and ice-cream). But by 10-ish I was feeling pooped and decided to take a nap (the movie was due to start at 1130pm), asked my sis to wake me up when it's time. The next thing I knew, it was 530am. Think she saw I was exhausted so didn't wake me. (Either that or she wanted to have the food to herself. heehee. no lah, she not like that one. ;p)

The best part of my weekend would have to be staying over at zan's place on Sat. I went over Sat evening, had her mum's scrumptious bryani for dinner then the 2 of us sat on her King-size bed and chatted the whole night. (armed with snacks of cos'!) She said she couldn't believe how much I snack (/was that eat?)... haha... I totally binge over weekends. (bad ping! bad ping!!!) *sigh* Judging from this, it'll be long (maybe never) before I get that swimsuit figure (nice skin) I've always wanted.

She taught me some aerobics moves Sunday morning. With me flailing my arms around like a monkey gone wrong, I tried to keep up with her. ;p It was quite a good, sweaty workout.

In the afternoon, I followed her, her mum and sis to a marketplace in Jurong West where we looked at electrical appliances and other random shops. Those old provision shops selling biscuits and what-nots reminded me of my childhood days. I don't see many of them around anymore.

Next stop, Jurong Point. Where I bought my first pair of Levi's. Never could bring myself (or to afford actually) to splurge on a pair. Have always wanted one pair just to see how good they are and long they'd last me. Besides, this pair I bought was on a marked-down price. So not too bad. :D
Later on, we bumped into Kay in BodyShop coincidentally. Daryl came to meet Kay soon after.

Also bumped into an Asian-descent French guy who's on exchange in NUS whom I met over Friendster. Chance to practise my (very limited) French. haha. But mostly easier to hold conversation in English.

Anyway, we shopped around a bit more and headed off home.

Though I had the best intentions to do some form of exercise (either gym or a swim) on Mon, the weather was mostly lousy (that's my excuse. heh. :p) so I ended up being a couch potato. Eat. Eat. Watch tv. Eat. Watch tv. With my cousin and sis.

That concludes my (un)entertaining weekend. ^_^
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